Labels & How to Avoid Them

We are told labelling our kids is a bad idea but what is it, why don’t we want to do it and how can we avoid it?

What is it?

Labels can be both positive or negative. If your child doesn’t want to tidy up or go for a walk, in frustration you might call them lazy - this is a label. If your child zips to the top of the climbing frame and in delight, you tell them they are the bravest person in the world, this too is labelling. Do you have more than one child - the shy one, the outgoing one, the smart one…these too are labels.

Why don’t we want to do it?

Simply put, labelling affects a child’s sense of self-worth.

Negative Labels:

If we as the parent they trust, repeatedly tell them they are difficult or stubborn or shy they will begin to believe that is true. They may well begin to live up to the label they are given - thinking ‘If you think I’m rebellious or lazy I may as well be’. They may spend a large part of the time trying to be someone different to please you, not really knowing how to be different and developing a deep sense of inadequacy. Often as adults, we forget where these labels came from but we hold them tightly, wrongly believing they are who we are.

Shame doesn’t change behaviour for the better. If we shame our children with negative labels they may stop what they are doing and certain behaviour may stop or change, but the bigger picture is unlikely to be positive. The feelings of shame will manifest in other areas and are likely to generate other behavioural challenges.

Positive Labels:

These can feel like less of a problem, but it’s still best to avoid them. If they don’t feel like the bravest kid in the world but you insist they are, they could trust you less or trust themselves less or feel they need to keep their doubts about themselves secret. Perhaps they do believe you and they build a sense of self-worth that isn’t based on the truth. At some point, perhaps as an older child or adult, they realise this and they find their belief in themself shattered. The pressure to live up to a positive label can also be immense, a child labelled smart may fail a test and feel it’s a catastrophic happening.

Career Labels:

If our children like doing certain things, it can be easy to fall into the trap of giving them a career label but children’s interests change. Liking building blocks at 2 years old doesn’t mean a career as an architect or engineer. If you say these labels with pride, in later life they may assume they have failed you and themselves if they don’t embrace that career.

Comparative Labels:

These are often a cause of sibling rivalry, so watch out for them too. Labels like the shy one, the helpful one or the smart one can be damaging for all your children, not just the child who is given the label.

Labels generally don’t lead to desirable outcomes for our children so what should we do instead?

How to avoid labelling?

1. Be Self-Aware

   Labelling our children can be hard to stop because we often repeat patterns from our own childhood experiences. As parents, it’s helpful to create awareness around how we label ourselves and to understand beliefs about ourselves that may have come from labels given to us. Spend time thinking of the labels you were given, both positive and negative. How did they make you feel? What behaviour did they drive?

2. Be reflective

   Consider the labels you may have given your children. How do you talk about your children to others in front of them? What labels are implied but unspoken - do you protect your child because you believe they are the shy one in the family or by labelling one child sporty, their sibling assumes they are not? What do you say when you’re frustrated or angry? What do you say when you’re praising your child? Is labelling your go-to criticism or compliment? If it is ditch any guilt and take action to change.

3. Plan ahead

   Certain things our children do can be like a red rag to a bull! If we know our triggers and make a plan or even practice what to say when faced with certain behaviour, we’re far more likely to avoid negative labels. What might you say, that isn’t a shame creating label when faced with crayon marks on the wall or dirty plates under the bed? When in doubt focus on the behaviour, not your child’s characteristics.

4. Make amends

   The reality is there are moments when we lose our temper and say things we regret. It can take a bit of courage but apologising and being specific about the labels you have used and acknowledging that they aren’t true is important. Our children don’t need us to be perfect, but they do need us to make amends when we make mistakes that affect their sense of self-worth. By making amends we don’t lose our child’s respect, we gain it.

5. Focus on the good

   Our children are complex individuals who are never as one dimensional as a label would suggest. Focussing on all the many things you love and admire about them and sharing those with them helps to build self-worth. Negative labels you may have used usually have a positive quality so rather than trying to change that quality, find the positive. Stubborn often means your child has determination with a high level of perseverance and grit. Aggressive means an ability and willingness to stand up for yourself and others. Difficult means they are able to decipher what is important to them and are assertive enough to state it. The list goes on…

While it’s easy to fall into the trap of labelling children, with a bit of reflection and will, it is an easy habit to break and developing a deeper bond with your child is the reward. As with all steps we take to improve how we parent it’s always worth it!

How to Raise Courageous Children

Children need courage to embrace life fully, so how can we help them develop this quality?

There are five key things.

1. Acceptance

   Accepting our children fully for who they are. Avoid labelling your child with a set personality type or traits that could impose limitations on them. Instead, celebrate their uniqueness. Understand that they are individuals who think differently, have unique experiences, and view their world through different eyes. Full acceptance means examining all the ideas in our head about who our children should be or who we want them to be and noticing and embracing who they are.

2. Attention

   When we give our children our undivided attention and fully listen to them, we show them that their thoughts are valued and matter. Being listened to helps them to be brave in their thinking and to trust that what they are thinking is worthy. Attention doesn’t have to take long, either. Still, it does need to be a regular, uninterrupted time where you connect with them and allow them to take the lead in the dialogue or in play.

3. Appreciation

   Telling our children what we love, admire or appreciate about them helps them build up a positive picture of themselves. Suppose you, as their parent, tell them they are creative, responsible, good company, or whatever else you love about them. In that case, they will believe that about themselves. They can draw on that belief in moments when life doesn’t go as planned, and they need resilience to get through. They can use that belief to contribute with courage and to feel capable of trying new things.

4. Praise in Moderation

   Praise isn’t bad per se, but if we only praise our children for the things they produce or the things they do, they start to believe their self-worth is the sum of these things. They feel the need to do these things to win our approval rather than feel valued for who they are and the qualities they possess. It can lead to a need to produce perfection in everything they do and anxiety around their performance. Instead, substitute appreciation for praise whenever possible. (for more on this, read my blog post, Appreciation vs Praise)

5. A Courageous Role Model

   How courageous are you? How able are you to be vulnerable, to try new things, to stand up for what you value, and to fully embrace life? It can be tough to face up to some of the changes we need to make to role model the things we’d love our children to learn, but if we do, we gain so much. Not only do we get a wonderful opportunity to live courageously, but we can also confidently know we are leading by example.

Accepting your child requires accepting yourself; giving attention requires time management and priority setting; giving appreciation can highlight a need to grieve for what we might not have received when we were children; and being a courageous role model takes self-understanding and compassion. 1-2-1 coaching with me can support you through all this and more. Please book an inquiry session if you would like to discuss coaching with me.

A Step by Step Process to Addressing Challenging Behaviour

‘Everything we do depends for its quality on the thinking we do first’

- Nancy Kline

There are always going to be times when you want to address behaviour that isn’t acceptable. This guide will help you do so effectively while nurturing and deepening your relationship with your child. It is not for use in the heat of the moment but in a moment of calm to help you break unhelpful patterns of behaviour.

Clarity First

In order to get clarity about the issue at hand answer the following questions:

1.       What do I love, admire or appreciate about my child?

2.       What about my child brings me joy?

Aim: A positive focus creates better conditions for thinking & brings your child and their positive attributes into sharper focus than the behaviour.

3.       What might your child feeling, observing or experiencing in the situation?

Aim: All children’s behaviour that we may find challenging is communication. This question helps to look beyond the behaviour and to see things from your child’s perspective to gain understanding and compassion.

4.       What patterns do you notice – situations, possible causes etc

Aim: To gain greater understanding in order to find a solution that fits well.

5.       Keeping an eye on the big picture what do you ultimately want your child to learn?

Aim: To keep the behaviour change in perspective and to consider how we wish to teach important values and skills.

6.       What specifically do you think needs to change?

Aim: To make it easier to take steps towards a solution and to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

7.       What are your thoughts and feelings about the behaviour. What assumptions might you be making that cause you to want it to change?

Aim: To ensure that your judgement of the situation is not clouded by untrue assumptions.

Problem Solving with Your Child

1.       Think first and talk it through with your partner or friend answering the clarity questions.

Aim: To ensure we act on the issue with clarity of thought.

2.       Find a moment of calm when you can talk to your child.

Aim: To ensure you have had time to think first and be in a position to be positive and proactive.

3.       Share appreciation of your child with them.

Aim: To help your child calm their amygdala, engage their thinking brain and know they are valued and loved for who they are.

4.       State what you’ve noticed.

Aim: To simply and without criticism highlight behaviour that needs redirecting. Ensure you know the difference between personality traits and behaviour.

5.       Empathise and name emotions. (e.g. I feel like breaking things when I get frustrated sometimes were you feeling really frustrated when you stomped on your toy?)

Aim: To help your child identify with any emotions and to show understanding. To calm your child’s amygdala, connect the different parts of their brain and engage their thinking.

6.       State your expectation for their behaviour & your reasons for the desired change.

Aim: To ensure that your child understands what behaviour is expected of them and avoid misunderstanding.

7.       Ignite their thinking & share your experience.

Aim: To help them develop a problem-solving mindset and to show that you value their input. To share an experience that might help their thinking. When we avoid advice and thinking for them, we create an opportunity to develop their life skills.

8.       Decide on your experiment together & how long it’ll run for.

Aim: To try a change of behaviour or different way of doing things for a set period of time to see if it is working. To keep an air of curiosity and development.

9.       Summarise with empathy, encouragement & appreciation

Aim: To ensure they are clear about the course of action and that this is about their behaviour not a criticism of them as a person and that you believe they can change it.

10.   Review & tweak if necessary

Aim: To acknowledge any positive steps towards behaviour change and to make any necessary changes.

Example

This example is for a younger child, but the principles work just as well with teenagers (with a few caveats given below).

1.       Think first and talk it through with your partner or friend answering the clarity questions.

2.       Find a moment of calm when you can talk to your child.

Come and cuddle I wanted to chat with you about something.

3.       Share appreciation of your child with them.

You are very kind and caring. I enjoyed watching you look after your teddies and making sure they all got a nap.

4.       State what you’ve noticed.

I’ve noticed that you are hitting your brother quite a bit recently.

5.       Empathise

I know he isn’t always able to understand the games you play and doesn’t always want to do what you’re suggesting which I guess is a little frustrating isn’t it? You think he should join in and play how you’ve imagined and when he doesn’t you get cross is that right? (Allow space for them to talk.)

6.       State your expectation for their behaviour & your reasons.

The problem is when you get angry and hit him, it hurts him and I can’t allow you to hurt him, just like I wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt you.

7.       Ignite their thinking & share your experience.

So we need to think of a way that you can get that anger out that doesn’t involve hitting. What do you think? If you and your child are new to this, you may need to help your child along, but the more space and attention you can give them to find their answer the better, if you are relaxed and don’t interrupt they are more likely to chat about it, so with your body language, facial expression and lack of interruption encourage them. If they need your input share your experience rather than telling them what to do or think or advising them. ‘When I get really angry I find it helps if I walk away and then I take a few deep breaths before deciding what to do. What do you think might help you?’

8.       Decide on your experiment together & how long it’ll run for.

You think stomping helps you when you feel angry and I’d agree moving helps shift emotions, so let’s experiment with that. When you get angry because your brother won’t do what you want him to, walk away from him and stomp or jump up and down.’ We’ll try that for a couple of weeks and see if it’s working.

9.       Summarise with empathy, encouragement and appreciation.

Ok, so my expectation is that you will not hit your brother because it hurts him and isn’t acceptable behaviour so instead when you feel angry you’re going to try really hard to walk away and jump up and down and stomp. You’re going to try that for a couple of weeks and see if it works. If it doesn’t we’ll have a think about what might work better. If I see you getting angry and you don’t remember to walk away I’ll remind you is that ok? I know you don’t want to hurt your brother and I know you are loving and kind so I’m pretty sure you’ll manage.

10.   Review & tweak if necessary

So I’ve noticed that most of the time you are remembering to move away and stomp instead of hitting which is brilliant. Sometimes it still seems hard and you do hit your brother, especially when I’m not there to remind you so because this needs to stop what do you think would help? Remember to review with the big picture in mind and a genuine exploration of a solution. If there has been no behaviour change then it may be necessary to look at consequences.

A word on teens…

At step 7 you may well be met with silence. Allow plenty of time and space for them to talk. Encourage them by restating that you’re genuinely interested in their thoughts. If this is the first time you’ve included them in problem-solving they may not trust it’s genuine so tell them you’ve read a new method, seen that what you were previously doing had some errors and you’d like to try this. Take them with you on your journey to inclusive parenting. If they still won’t contribute to problem-solving share your thoughts and say you’d prefer to have their help in finding a solution so you’ll check in with them later. Depending on your previous methods you may have some work to do to reconnect on a deeper level with them. Engage their thinking on other topics that are less confrontational and get good at listening to them. Keep calm - teenagers are skilled at button pressing so know your triggers and don’t fall into the trap of reacting!

A word on consequences, punishment, rewards

Consequences:

Teach that all behaviour has consequences, both good and bad. For example, if we behave kindly to a friend they will most likely enjoy our company and choose to play with us, if we behave unkindly they will most likely find someone else to play with. Highlight a natural consequence of the behaviour you wish to help them change and highlight a natural consequence of the new behaviour.

Punishment:

There is no benefit to punishment. Punishment either shames or frightens a child into behaving. It may work in the short term but due to the problems it causes for your child’s emotional wellbeing, resilience and confidence it is to be avoided. Naughty steps, dunces’ hats, standing in the corner or being banished to another room are all examples of shame-based punishment.  ‘If you aren’t kind no one with like you.’ Or ‘If you don’t stop I’ll smack you.’ are examples of fear-based punishment.

Rewards

These are things that your child can earn as a reward for doing something positive or for effort. They’re commonly used ‘Eat your veg and you’ll get dessert’ and so it goes on. However, using rewards for desired behaviour over time will lead to entitlement and a lack of intrinsic motivation. Instead, use positive, natural consequences - for example - ‘When you move away and jump up and down instead of hitting your brother I can get my work done while you play, which means I’ll have time later to play trains with you, it’s fun playing trains together isn’t it.’

Encouragement, Appreciation & Praise

Taking the time to notice positive behaviour and encourage it is incredibly valuable. All too often parents only notice when things aren’t going well and when children are playing harmoniously or working hard at something parents say nothing. Kids learn that negative behaviour is what gets them attention. Make sure you focus on the good in your child, notice and comment on positive behaviour, share what you appreciate about them with them and spend time with them doing things they enjoy.

This is not just about redirecting behaviour, it is also about providing an opportunity for your child to feel appreciated and valued and for them to develop problem-solving skills. It is an opportunity for you to build their resilience through an understanding that while they may make mistakes or do things that aren’t acceptable they will always be able to fix those mistakes and they don’t define who they are.

Deepening Your Relationship with Good Questions

The answer is only as good as the question so if we want to get to know our child on a deeper level, we need to get good at asking questions they are interested in answering!

If you want the answers to keep coming, here are some rules before you begin…

• Be interested (if the subject that interests them doesn’t interest you, get interested in your child, notice his voice, her movements, his train of thought etc)

• Don’t interrupt (this is an opportunity to deepen your relationship with your child, interruption simply interrupts that)

• Reserve judgement (seek to understand with further questions rather than jump in with correction and judgement.)

• Listen even when it’s hard. When our child moans about their day or tells you something horrible that happened to them at school or confesses something they shouldn’t have done, keep listening. Reach out to hug them. If you don’t trust yourself to say the right thing, ask another question (my favourite seems to work best). It can be hard to just listen when we want to fix something or offer a solution or make them see the positives or show your disapproval, but that can wait until another time.

My favourite question without a doubt is:

What do you think?

This question needs context, but children of all ages love to get involved with helping us think about and solve conundrums. It’s a question that works for anything from wondering what to have for dinner to reflecting on behaviour, to discussing current affairs or morals. I love it because it says so much more than the question itself. It says that you think their thoughts are worth paying attention too, it empowers and it encourages them. It helps your child think for themselves. It’s a little bundle of love in a question.

Here are some others, I hope they spark some ideas.

After School

Children’s memory isn’t as developed as adults so specific questions help build a picture of their day. General ones tend to be a bit overwhelming so they just shrug or say they don’t know.

When the bell went for break what did you do? And after that? And after that?

How did you feel when break time ended?

What’s one thing you learnt at school I might not know?

Who got in trouble today? (My daughter loved giving me the naughty report in pre-prep!) It’s a good opportunity to look at multiple perspectives with questions like ‘What did the teacher say? What do you think she was feeling? ‘How did you think Fred felt when that happened?’ ‘What was he thinking when he did that do you think?’

Get to know their timetable and ask specific questions about subjects. For example ‘How did you find maths today - easy or hard?’ ‘What made it easy/hard?’ ‘What were you learning?’

Who made you laugh?

How many emotions did you feel today at school? Which ones? Exploring the range of emotions helps children notice how they shift throughout the day.

For General Conversation

What do you like best about Minecraft/Roblox/Fortnight/Among Us etc etc ‘What else do you like about it?’ ‘What, if anything do you dislike about it?’

What don’t I know that you think I should know? Teenagers particularly don’t think you know anything - humour them rather than defend yourself!

If you could do anything in the world what would you do?

If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?

What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever heard anyone doing?

Would you rather…or…?

For Feedback

Be brave! Asking for feedback and using it to change our own behaviour where possible models an important lesson. Don’t dismiss their opinion even if you’re offended! If it’s particularly harsh you can always just say something like ‘Mmm interesting, I’ll give that some thought.’

What’s the best thing about me?

What do you think I could do better?

What do you like doing with me?

What do you wish we’d do more of together?

For bedtime

What do you need to tell me to help you sleep better?

If you could choose what to dream about what would it be?

Appreciation vs Praise (& Why Knowing the Difference is Key)

Praise is nice, whereas appreciation is awesome. So what is the difference, and why does it matter to our children that we know? Read on to find out.

Your child shows you a painting that they have done.

You say, 'Wow, what a beautiful painting!'.

That is praise.

Perhaps you praised their efforts as well.

'Wow, what a beautiful painting! I can see you put a lot of effort into that!'

As I said, praise is nice, and there is nothing wrong with it per se. However, children enjoy pleasing us, and if we only give them attention and praise for effort, talent or for what they produce, they may begin to feel that they need to do the same things to get attention or praise. They may fear not being able to produce such a good painting again. That fear may deter them from pursuing their love of painting or induce perfectionism. It can create a cycle of needing to achieve or be productive to feel worthy of love and attention. The well-meant praise becomes a negative force.

Your child shows you a painting they have done.

This time, you say: 'Wow, look at that, you are so creative. I love how focussed you are when you're painting.'

That is appreciation. You have noticed, admired and appreciated the qualities you saw in your child that enabled them to paint the picture. They now believe they are creative and focused. They can, in the future, choose to apply that creativity and focus to any other project they wish. With your appreciation, their sense of worth and their courage has increased. They feel valued for who they are, not for what they have done.

There may be many myths you have heard over time that prevent you from expressing appreciation, so if the thought of doing so makes you hesitate, take a moment to examine what is stopping you. Well-known sayings like 'they'll get too big for their boots' and 'pride comes before a fall' and notions of what spoils a child are out of date. However, they can still have an unconscious hold on us, so it's worth consciously searching for any reasons that might stop you. If you're unsure where to start, think of one thing you love about your child. Ensure it's not related to anything they do but rather who they are. When you next see them, share that with them in whatever way feels right for you. Appreciation is most effective when it is sincere, succinct, and specific.

Sharing the qualities we admire, appreciate, and love in our children with them gives them the courage and resilience they need. It gives them confidence in themselves and helps them build a secure sense of self-worth. It smooths their path into adulthood, and it deepens our relationship with them.

Why Listening to Our Children is Important

Listening to your child with half an ear while you do something else isn’t the kind of listening we’re talking about here! To parent well listening is a skill you need to learn so here's why it matters and how to do it.

When we are listening in a way that benefits our child, we are listening to…

• understand them.

• help them think well for themselves.

• help them process their emotions.

• be interested in where their thinking will take them.

• share the burden of their problems.

• get to know your child.

We are not listening to…

• form our reply or response.

• interrupt at the slightest pause.

• give advice.

• find flaws in their grammar, story or thinking.

• show them how much knowledge we possess.

It can be hard to listen with our full attention so it’s handy to know what to look out for. Here are some of the things that might make it difficult for you…

• you have more life experience and think your advice will help.

• you see easy solutions and are desperate to tell them.

• you want to ‘fix’ things for your child so they don’t have to get upset or hurt.

• what they are saying is hard to hear and is causing you to feel angry or upset.

• you disagree with their viewpoint.

• you feel the need to correct them so they can learn.

• you think left to talk uninterrupted they will talk forever.

• you are stressed and don’t have any spare time.

Listening takes practice and given all the things that make it hard, why should you bother?

Let’s look at this example:

Your child tells you what another child has said to them, and it isn’t very nice. You instantly feel protective and interrupt with your thoughts and advice. You only know part of the story, so your advice doesn’t fit with your child’s understanding of the situation. They start to explain and you tell them why they must do as you suggest, so they nod, stop talking and wander off. You haven’t solved their problem or helped them decide what to do, they haven’t processed how they feel and they may well not tell you next time they have a problem.

Instead, knowing the benefits of listening, the conversation and results could look very different. Your child tells you about the issue. You feel protective and a bit cross, but you take a deep breath, bite your tongue and pull an empathetic face. Your child continues, you nod keeping your eyes on them. They get the full story out, pausing to look out of the window. You sit quietly. They turn to you and tell you how hurt they are, how angry they feel, what they want to do and say back. It’s hard to listen to your child’s vindictive words, but you know by giving them attention you are helping them think well for themselves. You trust they’ll find an appropriate solution. They look to you for advice. Nodding you say ‘Mmm I can understand you’re upset. What do you think is the best thing to do?’ They sit quietly thinking, you keep your eyes on their eyes, watching their mind at work. Whether they are thinking out loud or in their heads you know that your attention is helping them to think clearly. If they don’t come to their own solution, by thinking first, they’ll know the right question to ask you.

By listening first, if they do need your help, you will know how to guide them. You will understand the whole picture. They will also be more open to hearing what you have to say.

Contrary to what you may think, listening in this way saves time. Uninterrupted children (and adults) are amazingly succinct, but if time is short let your child know how much time you have to listen, use a timer if necessary. From that, you’ll know if you need to prioritise more time to their issue. More often than not the time available will do. When children learn they can rely on your attention when they need it, they demand it less when you aren't free to give it.

There are many reasons we might not allow our child to just talk and most come from a place of love and care but here’s why it matters to listen:

Your child learns…

• they are worth listening to which boosts their self-esteem.

• that what they have to say is of value - their confidence grows.

• that you trust them to find their own solutions which helps them be courageous.

• to express their emotions and that talking soothes them.

• that sharing problems helps to reduce them.

Listening to our children soothes, empowers, and encourages and for all those benefits all we have to do as parents is to keep quiet! Isn’t that a liberating thought?