Why Listening to Our Children is Important
Listening to your child with half an ear while you do something else isn’t the kind of listening we’re talking about here! To parent well listening is a skill you need to learn so here's why it matters and how to do it.
When we are listening in a way that benefits our child, we are listening to…
understand them.
help them think well for themselves.
help them process their emotions.
be interested in where their thinking will take them.
share the burden of their problems.
get to know your child.
We are not listening to…
form our reply or response.
interrupt at the slightest pause.
give advice.
find flaws in their grammar, story or thinking.
show them how much knowledge we possess.
It can be hard to listen with our full attention so it’s handy to know what to look out for. Here are some of the things that might make it difficult for you…
you have more life experience and think your advice will help.
you see easy solutions and are desperate to tell them.
you want to ‘fix’ things for your child so they don’t have to get upset or hurt.
what they are saying is hard to hear and is causing you to feel angry or upset.
you disagree with their viewpoint.
you feel the need to correct them so they can learn.
you think left to talk uninterrupted they will talk forever.
you are stressed and don’t have any spare time.
Listening takes practice and given all the things that make it hard, why should you bother?
Let’s look at this example:
Your child tells you what another child has said to them, and it isn’t very nice. You instantly feel protective and interrupt with your thoughts and advice. You only know part of the story, so your advice doesn’t fit with your child’s understanding of the situation. They start to explain and you tell them why they must do as you suggest, so they nod, stop talking and wander off. You haven’t solved their problem or helped them decide what to do, they haven’t processed how they feel and they may well not tell you next time they have a problem.
Instead, knowing the benefits of listening, the conversation and results could look very different. Your child tells you about the issue. You feel protective and a bit cross, but you take a deep breath, bite your tongue and pull an empathetic face. Your child continues, you nod keeping your eyes on them. They get the full story out, pausing to look out of the window. You sit quietly. They turn to you and tell you how hurt they are, how angry they feel, what they want to do and say back. It’s hard to listen to your child’s vindictive words, but you know by giving them attention you are helping them think well for themselves. You trust they’ll find an appropriate solution. They look to you for advice. Nodding you say ‘Mmm I can understand you’re upset. What do you think is the best thing to do?’ They sit quietly thinking, you keep your eyes on their eyes, watching their mind at work. Whether they are thinking out loud or in their heads you know that your attention is helping them to think clearly. If they don’t come to their own solution, by thinking first, they’ll know the right question to ask you.
By listening first, if they do need your help, you will know how to guide them. You will understand the whole picture. They will also be more open to hearing what you have to say.
Contrary to what you may think, listening in this way saves time. Uninterrupted children (and adults) are amazingly succinct, but if time is short let your child know how much time you have to listen, use a timer if necessary. From that, you’ll know if you need to prioritise more time to their issue. More often than not the time available will do. When children learn they can rely on your attention when they need it, they demand it less when you aren't free to give it.
There are many reasons we might not allow our child to just talk and most come from a place of love and care but here’s why it matters to listen:
Your child learns…
they are worth listening to which boosts their self-esteem.
that what they have to say is of value - their confidence grows.
that you trust them to find their own solutions which helps them be courageous.
to express their emotions and that talking soothes them.
that sharing problems helps to reduce them.
Listening to our children soothes, empowers, and encourages and for all those benefits all we have to do as parents is to keep quiet! Isn’t that a liberating thought?
