Appreciation vs Praise (& Why Knowing the Difference is Key)

Praise is nice where appreciation is awesome. So what is the difference and why does it matter to our children that we know? Read on to find out….

Your child shows you a painting that they have done.

You say ‘Wow what a beautiful painting!’.

That is praise.

Maybe you praised their efforts too.

‘Wow, what a beautiful painting I can see you put a lot of effort into that!’

As I said praise is nice and there is nothing wrong with it per se. However, children enjoy pleasing us and if we only give them attention and praise for effort, talent or for what they produce, they may begin to feel that they need to do the same things in order to get attention or praise. They may fear not being able to produce such a good painting again. That fear may take away their love of painting or induce perfectionism. It can produce a cycle of having to achieve or be productive in order to feel worthy of our love and attention. The well-meant praise becomes a negative force.

Your child shows you a painting they have done.

This time you say: ‘Wow look at that, you are so creative. I love how focussed you are when you’re painting.’

That is appreciation. You have noticed, admired and appreciated the qualities you saw in your child that enabled them to paint the picture. They now believe they are creative and focussed. They can in future choose to apply that creativity and focus to any other project they wish to. With your appreciation, their sense of worth and their courage has increased. They feel valued for who they are and not what they have done.

There may be a lot of myths you have heard over time that prevent you from sharing appreciation, so if the thought of doing so makes you hesitate, spend a moment examining what is stopping you. Well known sayings like ‘they’ll get too big for their boots’ and ‘pride comes before a fall’ and notions of what spoils a child are out of date, but they can still have an unconscious hold on us so it’s worth consciously searching for any reasons that might stop you. If you are unsure where to start, just think of one thing you love about your child. Make sure it’s not related to anything they do, but simply who they are. When you next see them in whatever way feels right for you, share that with them. Appreciation lands best if it is sincere, succinct and specific.

Sharing the qualities we admire, appreciate and love in our children with them gives them courage and resilience. It gives them belief in themselves and starts to help them build up a secure sense of self-worth. It smooths their path into adulthood, and it deepens our relationship with them.