Deepening Your Relationship with Good Questions
The answer is only as good as the question so if we want to get to know our child on a deeper level, we need to get good at asking questions they are interested in answering!
If you want the answers to keep coming, here are some rules before you begin…
Be interested (if the subject that interests them doesn’t interest you, get interested in your child, notice his voice, her movements, his train of thought etc)
Don’t interrupt (this is an opportunity to deepen your relationship with your child, interruption simply interrupts that)
Reserve judgement (seek to understand with further questions rather than jump in with correction and judgement.)
Listen even when it’s hard. When our child moans about their day or tells you something horrible that happened to them at school or confesses something they shouldn’t have done, keep listening. Reach out to hug them. If you don’t trust yourself to say the right thing, ask another question (my favourite seems to work best). It can be hard to just listen when we want to fix something or offer a solution or make them see the positives or show your disapproval, but that can wait until another time.
My favourite question without a doubt is:
What do you think?
This question needs context, but children of all ages love to get involved with helping us think about and solve conundrums. It’s a question that works for anything from wondering what to have for dinner to reflecting on behaviour, to discussing current affairs or morals. I love it because it says so much more than the question itself. It says that you think their thoughts are worth paying attention too, it empowers and it encourages them. It helps your child think for themselves. It’s a little bundle of love in a question.
Here are some others, I hope they spark some ideas.
After School
Children’s memory isn’t as developed as adults so specific questions help build a picture of their day. General ones tend to be a bit overwhelming so they just shrug or say they don’t know.
When the bell went for break what did you do? And after that? And after that?
How did you feel when break time ended?
What’s one thing you learnt at school I might not know?
Who got in trouble today? (My daughter loved giving me the naughty report in pre-prep!) It’s a good opportunity to look at multiple perspectives with questions like ‘What did the teacher say? What do you think she was feeling? ‘How did you think Fred felt when that happened?’ ‘What was he thinking when he did that do you think?’
Get to know their timetable and ask specific questions about subjects. For example ‘How did you find maths today - easy or hard?’ ‘What made it easy/hard?’ ‘What were you learning?’
Who made you laugh?
How many emotions did you feel today at school? Which ones? Exploring the range of emotions helps children notice how they shift throughout the day.
For General Conversation
What do you like best about Minecraft/Roblox/Fortnight/Among Us etc etc ‘What else do you like about it?’ ‘What, if anything do you dislike about it?’
What don’t I know that you think I should know? Teenagers particularly don’t think you know anything - humour them rather than defend yourself!
If you could do anything in the world what would you do?
If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever heard anyone doing?
Would you rather…or…?
For Feedback
Be brave! Asking for feedback and using it to change our own behaviour where possible models an important lesson. Don’t dismiss their opinion even if you’re offended! If it’s particularly harsh you can always just say something like ‘Mmm interesting, I’ll give that some thought.’
What’s the best thing about me?
What do you think I could do better?
What do you like doing with me?
What do you wish we’d do more of together?
For bedtime
What do you need to tell me to help you sleep better?
If you could choose what to dream about what would it be?
