Facilitating Sibling Harmony
With the summer holidays stretching ahead of us, sibling harmony moves into sharp focus. Every time our children are playing together, helping each other, giggling, entering each other’s worlds, our hearts sing and our life is instantly easier. It feels like we must have done something right to facilitate this, so it is not surprising their discord is so stressful!
While our children’s personalities, ages and preferences will influence how easily they get on, there is also a lot we can do to create sibling harmony and small changes can make a big difference. If you are feeling frustrated or overwhelmed by the bickering and rivalry or worried the ceiling might come down every time a wrestling match commences, these tips are for you.
Develop Self-Awareness
Spend some time noticing your thoughts about your children. Observe your interactions with them, pay attention to how you react to their behaviour. Your thoughts about your children cause how you feel and those feelings inform your actions. Think about what can change within you first. Shifting your focus to the more positive aspects of your children’s relationship can help you and them know what to work towards, rather than focusing on fixing the negative aspects of it. When they are getting along it’s easy to ignore them, but a kiss on the head, a smile or a touch can convey how much you enjoy watching them get along without interrupting them.
Reflect on our own experience
Think about your experience as a child, in terms of your own sibling relationship (if you had one) and how you were treated by the adults around you. Being more aware of your own experience can help you gain insight into your reactions to your children as we so often unconsciously replay our past. Reflection can also help us notice what your parents did that empowered you to get along with your sibling and what drove a wedge between you - highlighting what you do that might help or hinder your own children’s relationship.
Celebrate the Difference
Our children are individuals with different personalities, ways of thinking, needs, and preferences. Parents can mistakenly strive to treat siblings equally but in fact, it works better to treat them as individuals. When children feel accepted and valued for who they are, they are less likely to compete with or compare themselves to their siblings.
connect
Unwelcome behaviour is usually a form of communication. Rather than using punishment, look to understand and connect with how your child is feeling, clearly state the boundaries, and redirect them to more appropriate behaviour.
appreciate, praise & Discipline Considerately
To generate good feelings between your children, appreciate them out of the earshot of each other. Make your comments only about the sibling you’re speaking to or you dilute the value of the appreciation. Don’t use praise for one as a motivator for the other - it will backfire! Likewise, discipline (i.e. teach) them out of the earshot of each other. Encourage them to share what they appreciate about each other too. (See my blog on Appreciation vs Praise for more in-depth info)
Avoid Labels
I have a blog post on this already (Labels & How to Avoid Them) as I think it’s relevant for all parents, but labels are particularly detrimental to sibling relationships. Your child labelled sensible, for example, may resent having to live up to it all the time. Your child not getting the sensible label may give up trying to be sensible having decided they will never be as good as their sibling at it. Resentment and bickering tend to be the result.
Notice What You Say!
Sarah’s not as outgoing as Billy, Fred happily plays outside unlike Joe, Naomi talked so much earlier than James, I can’t take Ben anywhere nice he just doesn’t sit still like his sister. Comparisons don’t make either child feel good about themselves so be aware of how you talk to others when your children can overhear you.
Facilitate Collaboration
Choose collaborative games rather than ones where one child wins. Boardgames like Ghost Fightin’ Treasure Hunters pit the players against the ghosts rather than against each other. If you think creatively there are lots of other options too and if you must compete, adults vs children can help your children learn to work together. Notice too what you are modelling, tone down your own uber competitiveness if you need to. Get your siblings to work as a team to get things done rather than pitting one against the other in a race.
Resolve Conflict
When things are calm, sit down with your children and allow them turns to air their grievances. Set the rules upfront - no interruption, no face-pulling, no name-calling etc. Encourage them to use ‘I messages.’ e.g ‘I felt really cross when you used my pens without asking.’ and to stick to facts ‘You left the lid off and it dried out.’ Help them to come up with a solution that works for them both.
Sharing
Of course, we want our children to be able to share, but generosity doesn’t develop when sharing is enforced. Enforced sharing tends to just develop resentment. Set boundaries for what is common property and what is personal. A shelf or box for items can help teach respect for each other’s special items, and help your children to come up with an agreement about how the use of special things might happen and how many things can be put aside as special. Help them to set ground rules for sharing.
To Intervene Or Not To Intervene?
As far as possible, aim to help your children find their own solution. Appreciate their problem-solving skills or kindness or some other relevant quality they possess, and tell them you trust them to work it out. Don’t belittle their argument or take sides (even if you think it’s obvious who is in the right!) Facilitate them finding the solution by being calm and present and by asking questions when necessary. If it’s helpful, share your experience of what has worked for you but try to avoid giving advice.
Ground rules
Children find it easier to interact when they have clearly defined boundaries. Decide what is and isn’t acceptable and discuss it with your children in an age-appropriate way.
Set Reasonable Expectations
Children will not always get on, and it would be unrealistic to expect them to! Ensure they have plenty of time with you individually and space to be apart. Even a large cardboard box to sit and read a book in can give enough privacy and alone time for a sibling to then be able to interact again. Expect and allow for disagreements and differing opinions.
As I sat down to write this, I wondered if everything I want to say about siblings can be condensed into a blog! I think perhaps a lot can, but I also think that facilitating the kind of collaboration, consideration and kindness needed for sibling harmony is a journey of exploration and experimentation as a whole family. I suggest you take these tips one by one and spend some time thinking about each one. If you have questions, please don’t hesitate to get in touch HERE or book a free IGNITE CHANGE SESSION to find out how coaching can help.
