3 Things to Understand About Behaviour.
What is well behaved anyway? Have you stopped to consider what a well-behaved child looks like? Is it a child with perfect manners, who always obeys, doesn’t argue, is socially acceptable at all times, has inbuilt volume control and never asks for a screen or does that sound a little robotic? It does to me and that’s because behaviour for a child is communication and challenging behaviour is an opportunity for growth - both ours and our child’s.
Even as adults we struggle to manage our emotions and express our needs coherently so it’s really no wonder our child hasn’t quite nailed it. In general, a child behaves in a way that they perceive will most effectively get their needs met. If their needs are not being met, they will seek to get them met. If their needs are being met, they will keep repeating the same behaviour to ensure they continue to be.
As parents with our fully formed prefrontal cortex, years of experience and adult logic, some of our child's behaviour can make little sense and feel like it’s done to simply drives us bonkers. It isn’t!
Understanding 3 key things give us a greater chance of keeping our sanity and helps our child to thrive.
Understanding what our child is experiencing
Understanding what our child’s behaviour is communicating
Understanding what thoughts we are having
Our Child’s Experience
When it comes to unwelcome behaviour our child is generally experiencing something that is difficult for them. Perhaps a sudden change of plan or the end of a fun time. It could be being told to do something they don’t enjoy doing. They could have done something wrong and don’t know how to correct it or make amends. Perhaps they want to do something by themself but aren’t quite capable or don’t know how yet. Maybe they are over-stimulated, overwhelmed, tired, or hungry. These sort of occurrences generate feelings that our children often aren’t able to manage appropriately yet. They may feel intense anger, frustration, hurt, betrayal, shame, embarrassment or another emotion that is uncomfortable for them.
Our first step as parents when faced with difficult behaviour is to understand that our child is experiencing something challenging. This is not to say we have to like, encourage or welcome all behaviour, but if we meet our child with empathy we are better placed to respond in a way that is beneficial and help our child respond differently.
Our Child’s Communication
Our child’s behaviour is usually communicating their needs to us. Do they need us to help them manage or understand their emotions, do they need help transitioning from one activity to another? Do they need comfort and reassurance, or for us to take them out of a situation, take them to bed or give them food? Are they communicating a need for autonomy and for us to acknowledge that they are different and separate from us?
To help you approach behaviour with an air of curiosity and compassion, ask yourself:
‘What might my child be attempting to communicate?’
If we understand what they are telling us more fully, we can act to prevent behaviour that isn’t acceptable, plan ahead for difficult situations and respond more appropriately. Our child will feel more understood, which will naturally eradicate some issues with behaviour.
Understanding Our Own Thoughts
This is a little trickier because our thoughts can be slippery things buried deep in the recesses of our mind. They are not necessarily obvious or easily accessible. This is why I would encourage all parents to spend time exploring their minds and getting to know themselves more fully. Some questions that may be worth exploring if you find yourself overreacting to your child’s behaviour are:
What was expected of me in the same situation when I was a child and what do I remember feeling or experiencing?
If we feel we were harshly or unfairly treated when we were the same age as our child, we can react with the same hurt, sense of injustice or perhaps fear we felt as a child. This adds complexity to our response.
What might you be assuming that stops you from facing this situation calmly?
Thoughts about our child’s future being negatively impacted by their current behaviour or about our own ability to parent well can cause us to react disproportionately to behaviour that triggers these thoughts. Often these assumptions on examination aren’t true!
What am I expecting of my child and is this expectation realistic?
When we expect our child to do something that they are not yet developmentally capable of, either physically or cognitively, we set ourselves up for frustration. We need to meet them where they are currently, change our expectation to something more realistic or take small reasonable steps towards our expectations by guiding and nurturing our child. We also need to be aware of expecting our child to have personality traits they don’t have or expecting them to change traits they do have.
How could I reframe this situation more positively?
We may see a situation as hopeless or never-ending or as having a disastrous impact. By simply offering ourselves an alternative more liberating view we can help ourselves to respond more calmly. ‘If I knew this behaviour won’t have lasting consequences, how would I respond right now?’ or find a similar question that helps your mind to play with an alternative more positive option.
As with all changes to how we parent and how we approach our child’s behaviour, we need to allow ourselves the time to learn how to do things differently - there is never one quick fix. I would suggest considering just one aspect of your child’s behaviour that repeatedly frustrates you and reflect on that. Experiment with your own thoughts and your own responses, seek to understand the behaviour from your child’s perspective. See it as a process of growth and development and exploration and if you have questions or feel stuck let me know.
