Toddlers & Boundaries
Setting boundaries with toddlers can feel like a minefield but actually, there are few simple steps you can take which really help.
Is it a safety issue?
Toddlers need us to be vigilant when it comes to keeping them safe, but we also need to help them learn so they can begin to keep themselves safe. What seems to work best is to remove them from danger and say ‘I can’t let you do that, it’s not safe.’ Keeping calm and in control is key! Very simply explain what you can’t let them do - e.g. I can’t let you climb the bookcase, it may fall over and hurt you. Depending on their verbal ability ask them to repeat what it is that you can’t let them do to ensure they have understood. State a related consequence such as ‘If you climb it again we will have to stop playing with the toys here and leave this room.’
Is it personal preference?
We all differ in what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, which is normal and fine, but we need to understand what is driving the need for the boundary. You may find you’re putting a boundary in place because it was what you experienced as a child or because of some societal pressure, or you may avoid a boundary because of how you were parented or because you worry about your child’s reaction. Thinking carefully about what is important to you and what you see your role as a parent as being, can help you feel more confident about boundaries which makes it easier to be clear and consistent.
What happens next?
Deciding what isn’t acceptable behaviour doesn’t mean it won’t happen, so it’s worth having a strategy. This works best for many people but I think you should always consider what would work for you too.
Know your pause button and hit it to prevent an overreaction (deep breaths for me)
Consider your toddler’s perspective (are they tired, hungry, overwhelmed, frustrated, worried, etc)
Connect with your child and help them transition to more appropriate behaviour. (For more on how to do this read my blog post 3 Things to Understand About Behaviour)
What happens when things go wrong?
Sometimes even with the best intentions and most cunning of plans, it all goes a bit wrong! You’re tired, you aim for the pause button and hit the accelerator and before you know it you & your toddler are in meltdown mode. In this situation, it’s not uncommon to breathe a sigh of relief when things calm down and forget about it until next time, but that tends to create vicious cycles. Talking to someone or journaling can be a really helpful way to reflect, notice patterns, and gain a deeper understanding. This understanding will help you to manage situations more calmly. If however, you are still finding parenting your toddler overwhelming book a free Ignite Change Session and we can chat through your options.
If you go into meltdown along with your toddler and you’re not sure why you are so triggered by their behaviour, it’s time to get curious! Chances are there are some assumptions you’re making about yourself, your ability, your toddler’s future or even some memories of how you were parented that are setting off your reaction. Exploring more through journaling, observing and getting interested in your thinking or through 1-2-1 coaching may be what’s needed to understand your reaction and respond in a calmer more positive way for both you and your toddler.
