When Parenting Styles Differ

Most parents have some differences of opinion when parenting. The commonly recognised styles of parenting are:

Authoritarian: Strict rules, punishments for disobedience, no negotiation and little affection.

Authoritative: Clear boundaries, open discussions, lots of support and affection, teaching and redirection when necessary.

Permissive: No boundaries or direction, child-led, often affectionate but more as a friend than a parent.

Unresponsive: Little involvement or affection and a lack of response to the child's needs.

The style to aim for is authoritative, but even within this style, there may be conflict. Parents can disagree on the boundaries to set or what a child needs to stick to them, for example. The greatest conflict tends to happen when the parents differ in parenting styles.

Parenting is complicated, and our default way of doing things is generally driven by how our parents raised us. Either parents replicate their parents' style or rail against it, going in the opposite direction. It gets additionally complicated when there are blended family dynamics to navigate and potentially more styles to navigate.

We want the best for our children, which can lead us to be fiercely protective, advisory, or critical, lashing out unhelpfully when we perceive our child's other parent is getting it wrong. The other parent almost always wants the best for their child, too, but their ideas about achieving that differ. So what to do?

Here are a few important points to consider.

What is in your control

We can exert a lot of energy trying to control things over which we only have influence. We cannot control our children's or other's behaviour. We can influence them, but only through what is in our control.

Although not always easy, we can control our thoughts, actions, and words. We can notice our emotional landscape and consider how it influences those around us and drives our actions.

Are you confrontational or Considerate?

Think about how you approach parenting discussions. Are you considerate of other’s values and ideas, aiming for a solution and able to compromise, or are you confrontational or expecting to convince the other parent to do things your way? How you approach any discussion will influence the outcome, and we are more likely to find a solution when we avoid confrontation and aim for collaboration.

Reframe the situation

Before you have a discussion, take a moment to reframe the situation in a way that helps you aim for a solution. That may be acknowledging that the other parent's love for your child is as deep as yours or considering their parenting strengths. Then, aim for a conversation focusing on understanding, compassion and curiosity rather than convincing them to parent your way.

Communicate Considerately

Tell them how you feel or what you've noticed without criticism or judgment.

The conversation might start like this:

"I get upset when you punish the kids harshly. I know you want the best for them. Can you help me to understand your thinking?"

Actively Listen

Listen to whatever they have to say without interruption or agitation. Even (and especially) if you disagree, keep listening. Don't use the tiniest of pauses to leap in and tell them why you disagree. Tricky, I know, but keep in mind that you are working towards the same goal - raising your child well.

Share information, observations or experience.

Have you read something that might help? For example, you might say, "I understand better where you're coming from now. Can I share some information I read that I've been thinking about? It's why I've become concerned about using punishments."

You might also share what you've noticed. "I've noticed our son becomes more demanding and irritable after he's been punished, so I think punishments make his behaviour worse in the long run. What do you think?"

Sharing your experience of what works for you can help the other parent think about implementing your ideas without feeling criticised. “I’ve found he’s much more cooperative when I give him a chance to have his say first.”

When you share, you can again ask what they think and listen.

Consider your options

Depending on the response, you will need to consider your options. Keep in mind that you cannot control someone else. If they want to continue parenting in the same way, the only option you have is to ensure the way you are parenting is fully in your child's best interests. Going out to prove a point will only deepen the conflict and cause your child distress.

What can you learn?

Consider what you might learn from other styles of parenting. If you have stringent rules, you might learn to loosen up from a more permissive parent, or if boundary setting is difficult, you could learn how to do that from a more authoritarian parent. While aiming for authoritative parenting is the way to go, there is no one way of being authoritative, so looking for what you can learn might help you to see your way might not be the only effective way.

Acceptance

Accepting that you can only take responsibility for your parenting can be hard. However, we need to accept this, or so much energy goes into trying to make others change. With acceptance, you will be able to use that saved energy to focus on yourself so you can deepen your relationship with your child and support them.

Reassurance

It’s ok if you don’t parent in the same way. Children get used to each parent's style. Knowing what to expect of each parent, even if it differs from parent to parent, doesn't tend to cause distress. Conflict between parents can, however, leave a child feeling confused, unsafe, or upset, especially with conflict around their behaviour. So accepting and going with different styles is better for your child than constantly arguing about it.

Agree on the Basics

Discussing differences and conflicts caused by parenting styles is important to do away from the children - work to agree on some basics. Discuss what you would like to work on not doing - yelling, for example. Discuss how you will try to behave when the other is parenting in a way you don't like - for example, taking some deep breaths to stay calm instead of arguing in front of your child. Discuss how you can support each other to be the best parent possible, even with your differences.

The key is to continue trying to understand each other, and if you struggle to resolve conflict and parent harmoniously, getting support to do so is invaluable.

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