Journalling: An Important Parenting Tool
Keeping a journal is a valuable tool and something I suggest to most of my clients. It helps to untangle life's complexity with children, find patterns and consider solutions to challenges. If you are considering journalling but need inspiration, this blog is for you!
How to journal
There is no right way to journal. Finding a method that works for you is the only way to ensure it develops into a useful habit. Here are some suggestions:
One Line A Day
Write just one line on your topic of choice each day.
Stream of Consciousness
Let your pen follow your mind. Don't worry about neat handwriting, spelling, or making sense; go with the flow.
Diary Journal
Be inspired by your teenage self and those 'Dear Diary' books. Write about what happened in your day and how you felt.
Writing to Prompts
You can choose prompts to help you focus on certain aspects of your life. Many people choose to start with something they feel grateful for. Using specific prompts, such as noting what you are grateful for or what you delight in, has been shown to increase the tendency to see these things.
Visual Journal
Instead of writing, use sketches, cartoons, collages, mind maps and more to express yourself.
Bullet Journal
I am a Bullet Journal fan! Initially, I thought it was simply an organisational tool, and yes, it is my organisational and goal planning tool, but it is also where I make my daily journal entries and habit observations and develop mindfulness. I'm not a prolific writer, though; if you are, opting for an old exercise book might be cheaper!
Write a Letter
You don't always have to write in a journal. Write a letter to your present, past or future self, or get something off your chest by writing to someone else. Pop it in an envelope, burn it in the fire, or keep it to re-read later.
Mix it Up
You don't need to stick to just one method. I bullet journal a daily delight (The Book of Delights by Ross Gay was my inspiration), draw and occasionally write a stream of consciousness. Other people I've chatted to stick to just one method. Experiment until you settle on what is best for you.
the Benefits of Journalling
Self-awareness
After examining many studies, Dr Dan Siegel concluded that "the strongest predictor of a child's well-being is a parent's self-understanding." Journalling is a powerful tool for developing that important understanding.
Seeing Patterns
We aren't always fully conscious of many of our habits, yet those habits can hijack our ability to respond appropriately to our children. Journalling helps to develop a reflective practice. We can see call-and-response patterns that have become habitual between our children and ourselves. Some will be positive and foster connection, and some will cause ruptures. Seeing these patterns more clearly helps us intentionally reinforce positive ones and work on changing negative ones.
Feeling Better
Several clinical trials, many of them led by social psychologist James Pennebaker, show the health benefits of writing. His book, Expressive Writing: Words That Heal, co-written with John Evans, sets out the research in layperson's terms and prompts the reader to begin writing to heal.
We're not talking only about emotional health; writing to process life events has also been shown to have physical health benefits. A Cambridge University Press article lists the many benefits of writing, including greater psychological well-being, reduced blood pressure, improved lung and liver function and reduced hospital visits.
Seeing the Big Picture
In the rush and bustle of daily family life, we can begin to see only our child's negative behaviour and our perceived failure to improve it. Journalling can shift our focus to what has gone well, too, and help us see the whole picture more clearly. We can also look back and notice improvements that might have gone unnoticed.
Accomplishing goals
This study by Gail Matthews shows that writing down goals makes them more likely to be achieved. Writing also improves memory, enabling you to keep your goals in focus. You can use journalling to track how you feel and note your progress. Reflecting can help you understand what might cause you to procrastinate or hijack your ability to achieve your goals. With understanding, you can then gently replan to stay on track.
Addressing challenges
When our children's behaviour is challenging, it can feel overwhelming. Writing about their behaviour, what we think and feel about it and how we react to it helps gain clarity. Observation over time can help us analyse the causes of our children's behaviour and what triggers our adverse reactions. When we have a clearer picture, we are better equipped to experiment with responding in more positive ways. Doing this daily can also highlight that the behaviour is less frequent than it feels.
Ideas & Prompts
A Positive Start
The mind opens up when it is not feeling threatened. To help calm your amygdala and think more clearly, begin with a question that has a positive outcome.
What did I notice I love about my child today?
What one thing did I love about being a parent today?
What is one good thing about the weather today?
What delighted me?
What am I grateful for?
What inspired me today?
What did I do that I am pleased about today (and yes - brushing your teeth counts!)
Thinking about Challenges
Prompts like these help to externalise the negative thoughts you may have of your behaviour; think of gifting them to paper and letting them go, or use the ‘moving forward’ prompts to accomplish any necessary change. Avoid using these questions to beat yourself up!
What did I find difficult?
What did I feel triggered by?
What did I do that I'm not proud of?
What did my child do that I found problematic?
What am I holding onto from the past that needs letting go of?
Developing Self-awareness
Use these prompts to observe what you are thinking and feeling. Notice the stories you are telling yourself and question the truth of those stories. When beliefs and assumptions cause us pain, it’s time to rewrite the narrative, but first, we must bring it to consciousness.
What were my thoughts/what did I assume or believe when triggered? (this could be about any challenge)
Can I absolutely know those thoughts, assumptions or beliefs to be true?
What alternative liberating assumption, belief or truth could I consider?
Write three pieces of evidence for that alternative.
How would I feel or act if I were thinking that new thought?
For example, I think I'm doing a lousy job of parenting, which is causing me to overreact to my child’s behaviour. An alternative is I'm doing a good job of parenting. Evidence might be that my child is safely tucked up in bed, they gave me a spontaneous hug, or I fed them a healthy meal. If I knew I was doing a good job, what would change, how would I feel, and how would I respond differently to my child’s behaviour?
What would help me return to balance when I'm triggered?
How can I support myself better?
Observations
Keeping an observation journal can help with big-picture understanding and give you clues to facilitate any necessary change.
What went well today?
What did I struggle with?
What did my child struggle with?
What happened before, during and after any meltdown (yours or your child's!)
Moving Forward
Writing down goals makes them more likely to happen. Give yourself the best chance of successful change by using these prompts.
What would I like to accomplish? (this can be anything from yelling less to feeling more joy)
How will I feel when I accomplish this?
What step will I take tomorrow towards that goal?
When will I take the next step towards my goal?
What help do I need to accomplish this?
How will I get back on track when I notice I'm no longer on track?
Journalling is one of the paths to improve your relationship with yourself and, through doing so, enhance your relationship with your child and your enjoyment of parenting. My ongoing journey to self-awareness and self-appreciation started with coaching and has included mindfulness training, meditation, and breathwork alongside journalling. Open your heart to the possibilities that will serve you!
