Nov 13

Nov 13 Bullying: Tips for Parents & Carers

“Bullying is the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power. Bullying can be physical, verbal or psychological. It can happen face-to-face or online.’

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— Anti-Bullying Alliance

Sadly, statistics indicate that most children will either be bullied, bully others or witness bullying, so as parents, we must get involved in the conversation. Here’s what you can do…

Talk About Bullying

Talking about bullying with your child will help them identify when it happens to them or others and know how to respond. Like all important topics, regular short chats are more impactful than one big chat.

You could discuss:

What bullying is
The difference between teasing and bullying
How they might react to bullying & who they might seek help from
How they might help someone being bullied & what might stop them from helping
What might cause someone to bully others
How to resolve conflict positively
How to behave if they don't like someone

Listen

Listening is an essential parenting skill. Practice it daily so your child knows you will listen to them no matter what topic they bring up.

When your child tries to tell you something, even when it is not an opportune moment, try to set time aside to listen. If you absolutely cannot listen at the time, come back to their request to talk in the near future.

To hone your skills, read:

Dr Luke Robert's Active Listening Skills on Kidscape Blog

Teach Skills

Children will need help with any stress, such as grief, loss, divorce or significant changes like moving home or a friend moving away. Developing emotional literacy and skills to tame overwhelming emotions helps to prevent your child from bullying others. It also makes them less of a target, as children who are seen as vulnerable or who are likely to react emotionally to taunting are often singled out to be bullied.

A child who feels they have no power in their life may seek to address the imbalance by overpowering those who are younger or weaker, resulting in bullying. Offer age-appropriate opportunities for children to have autonomy and control in their lives.

Avoid authoritarian parenting, which disempowers children.

Be aware of problematic power imbalances in sibling relationships and work to resolve them. Children who are bullied by older siblings may take out their feelings of powerlessness on younger children at school.

Children can also learn skills to stand up to bullying.

Help them to build their self-esteem and confidence. You can read more about how to do that in my blog posts:

Support them in finding solutions, such as:

Inviting different friends to a play date.
Starting new activities to extend their friendship circle, socialise away from fear of bullying and build confidence.
Experimenting with ways to regulate their emotions e.g. journalling, drawing or dancing.
Identifying an adult they can talk to at school and practising what they might say.
Role-playing responses to bullying, including phrases to use, assertive body language, and how to get help. This not only prepares them for an encounter with a child who is bullying them, but it helps them to feel less anxious and more confident.

Cyberbullies can reach your child 24/7 through social media or gaming platforms if there are no controls in place. Take online safety precautions and support older children in getting offline to escape the bullies. Having devices in bedrooms or private rooms is not advised by child-protection professionals.

Reading books can help with all aspects of bullying. Topics to look out for include:

Embracing diversity
Managing emotions
Building confidence and resilience
Resolving conflict
Developing empathy and understanding another perspective

Reading Rockets has a great book list, which you can find HERE

Children learn through play. Use these same themes to guide imaginative play or play with figurines or dolls.

Look for the Signs

Bullied children and those who have bully may struggle to vocalise their experiences or ask for help. As parents, we need to keep an eye out for the signs.

In an article for BBC Bitesized, Psychologist - Anjula Mutanda writes, "Typical bullying signs include things like - uncharacteristic outbursts of anger or tears, or your child constantly telling you that they want to stay at home, or for them to start making excuses like saying they feel sick on school days - despite being fine and full of energy at the weekends." Emotional distress can also show in other forms, such as defiant behaviour, withdrawal, bed-wetting or changes in sleeping or eating habits. Your child may ask for money or food or, steal to pay off the bully, or have visible injuries or damaged belongings.

Look for the signs of your child bullying others. They, too, may show emotional distress or increased defiant or defensive behaviour, withdraw, come home with items you know they can’t afford or have physical injuries.

Informing Others

If your child is being bullied, keep a record of the incidents. Your child may be worried about teachers knowing and may need reassurance about how the school or organisation will deal with the situation. Respect their concerns and take time to understand and reassure them before speaking to their school. Ask for the school's anti-bullying policy and discuss it with your child if that helps. You can use the Kidscape log template (link in Resources below) to document the bullying.

Look After Yourself

It's understandable to have an emotional reaction if you find out your child has been bullied or is bullying others, but it's essential to stay calm. If you need a few moments to collect yourself, briefly reassure your child with a hug and step away for a moment. Take slow, deep breaths until you can continue. Your calmness will ensure your child feels safe. This is an important step in their ability to be open with you.

If you have experienced bullying in your life, the topic may be triggering for you. You may find it helpful to get support for yourself so you can support your child should you need to.

What to Avoid

Don't go directly to the bully's parents or tell your child to retaliate as this may put the bully or your child in danger.
Don’t label the child a bully. Talk about the child’s bullying behaviour. This will help the children involved to move on positively when the behaviour is stopped.