Encouraging Self-Motivation: 5 Steps

Tapping into our inner resources to motivate ourselves is one of the critical components of a content life. We want our children to be able to do that and avoid the pitfalls that frustrate us, like procrastination. If we pause and consider our motivation, we often discover quite a complex process, so how do we help our children? 

Here are four common mistakes to avoid and five steps to take.

FOUR THINGS TO AVOID

Catastrophise?

Your child can't motivate themselves to do their homework or study for a test, and your mind leaps to them failing school and being a jobless and homeless adult. You think everyone will think you're a bad parent if your child fails their exams. It is hard to be reasonable in the face of these thoughts.

Apply Reason?

You logically explain the issue with them not doing what they should be doing. "If you do your homework now, you'll have time to play later." Children are wonderfully mindful - what they are experiencing now matters most to them. Teens might differ in this aspect, but they have hyperrational thinking. Daniel Siegel explains it, "...the evaluation centers of the brain downplay the significance of a negative outcome, while at the same time, they amplify the significance given to a positive result." Teens cannot see the situation from the same perspective as you because they have yet to develop big-picture thinking fully. 

Bribe?

"If you do your homework without a fuss, you can have an ice cream." "If you study and do well on this test, I'll put money in your account." Studies show that when people do things for reward, they feel less of a sense of satisfaction and lose interest in the task more quickly. As a result, parents often find the bribes that used to work stop working and need to escalate.

Threaten?

"If you don't get this done, I won't read you a story later." "If you don't do your homework, you'll be in trouble at school." "Sit down right now, or there's no screen time for a year." Fear motivates, but what happens when the threat isn't there? We don't want our children to rely on us being there, stick in hand, to get things done.

If you said yes to any of the above, don't worry; you're in plenty of excellent company, but it might not be helping your child discover self-motivation. Here's what you can do instead...

1. MINDFUL Calm

I know, I know! Keeping mindful and calm is easier said than done...but your drama will not motivate your child. Try to focus on what is happening in the present moment and not what you fear may happen. You may need to invest a little time to find ways to ensure you are emotionally balanced so you can stay calm. You'll need to consider what you are really thinking. Catastrophisation is a sneaky beast and can take time to discover. Keeping calm can also be derailed by memories from your childhood, especially as many parents were motivated by fear. Go gently on yourself. Try talking to someone or journalling to understand your reactions fully. (Or book a 1-2-1 so I can support you in this work.)

2. Empathise & Listen

We all want to be understood and empathised with. Let your child know that you get their position by, for example, saying, "You really don't want to do your homework, do you? I get it. Playing right now would be fun. What can I do to help you get down to it?" 

It's surprising how motivating it is to get our frustration or irritation off our chest with someone who cares enough to listen. So often, we forget this when faced with our child's struggles, and instead of listening, we try to find a solution. Know that by listening empathetically, you are being incredibly helpful!

3. Influence Awareness

Getting things done and doing things well feels good. Humans are programmed that way. Help your child develop an awareness of this by saying things like, "You must feel proud of finishing that homework?" "How cool that you did well in that test. I bet you feel pleased!" Developing awareness develops intrinsic motivation.

4. Share your Experience

How you overcame a lack of motivation, avoided distraction, or parked procrastination will be helpful information for your children. It's tempting to enforce what you have learned, but children are far likelier to take ideas on board when you tell your story.

5. Focus on Autonomy

Get them to come up with ideas that will help them. They might be a little off the wall, and you may see holes in their effectiveness, but you'll be building more extensive skills than the odd bit of maths homework, so allow the space for experimentation and failure.

If motivating your child feels like an endless slog, please book a free session HERE. We can talk about your options, what changes you might like to make or if there may be significant concerns you’d like to know more about.

A lack of motivation can also be a sign of mental health struggles. If you are concerned about your child or have noticed sudden changes, you may need to seek medical advice.