A 4 Step Antidote to Guilt

"In our own age, what counts for guilt is a ghoulish sort of stagnant feeling, a queasy sensation which keeps reappearing." Tiffany Watt Smith The Book of Human Emotions

That ghoulish sort of stagnant feeling of parental guilt is creeping about like an emotional plague, and we need an antidote! 

It's 6 a.m., and our bounding kiddo wakes us - earlier than we'd like. We snap and grumble and then feel guilty as we grumpily manage a quick snuggle. We're tired and guilty for all the scrolling that kept us up past our bedtime. We help dress our child but feel guilty that we haven't taken the time to teach them to do their buttons. Glugging coffee, we plonk down some cereal, feeling guilty about the UPFs in their diet. We drop them off at school, feeling guilty we couldn't say a leisurely goodbye. We push past someone to get to our train on time and feel...you guessed it…guilty. We're only a few hours into our day, and the pestilential scourge has already got us multiple times.

Guilt isn't an emotion we're supposed to experience grinding away in the background all the time. It's draining and joy-sucking. We need immunity. Perhaps not entirely; guilt can be a helpful emotion to nudge us towards change, but we must turn it from a full-blown plague to a momentary sniffle. 

Resistance, resilience and a way back to joy are possible with these four steps.

Step 1. examine the facts

Is your child content (apart from perfectly normal emotional upsets, whinges, odd sleep refusal, or tantrums)? If yes, you're doing a good job - take note of this and write it on a post-it. Stick the post-it in a prominent part of your brain (the pre-frontal cortex will do). Read off this note when guilt rises - some people call this a mantra.

How often do you parent well versus how often you make mistakes? Most parents are very good at ignoring what they do well and feeling guilty for the odd mishap. Ensure you look at the true reality of your parenting!

Another way to examine the pressure we put ourselves under and to see if it's justified is to consider what we would say to a friend feeling guilty about the same behaviour. We are rarely as harsh a critic of other's behaviour.

If you are beating yourself up when you are doing your best with the resources you have, try to give yourself another story to tell. None of us are perfect, and we will make mistakes. Embrace the learning that comes from mistakes and keep your focus on the present reality.

Step 2.Think it through

Note what you feel guilty about. Add what you feel grateful for, what you do well and how you feel about other aspects of your life.

What's on your list? 

Try to zoom out to look at the whole picture and take a holistic view of things. This helps us put into perspective what we feel guilty about. Our focus can narrow down on the mistakes we make and the actions we’ve taken that we wish we hadn’t, getting us stuck in a guilt cycle. Dr. Daniel Siegel refers to this as being stuck on the rim of a wheel. When we are stuck out on the rim our view is limited. Journalling or mindful practice can help us to move to the center of the wheel, from the center we can see the whole wheel and the options that are open to us.

Step 3. Embrace change

Use guilt as a nudge. If you feel guilty about not spending enough time with the kids, find a few regular, bang-for-your-buck moments to fit in. Extend moments you already have, like bath and meal times, to connect more fully. 

If you've yelled, make amends by apologising. Then, see what small changes you can make to bring yourself into balance the next time you feel close to losing your temper so you can reduce yelling. 

No matter how small, intentional positive action seems to be an excellent guilt-plague antidote.

Step 4. LEt it go

Letting go of guilt often needs to be conscious. Notice it, feel it, and allow it to pass.

It is also important to let go of guilt when the cause is an action in the past, for which there is no fix. Remember the person we bumped into on the way to work in our rush - that action is in the past. As we may never see them again, there is no way to make amends, so we can only learn from the situation and move on. 

Often, we hold onto guilt because the internal narrative about ourselves is negative. Unconsciously, we don't believe we deserve to be guilt-free. The guilt acts as a distraction from examining the true cause. Alfred Adler, an early psychotherapist, said, "Even guilt itself, with its whirring obsession with self-punishment and blame, is a kind of avoidance, a retreat from being useful: we feel guilty instead of doing what we know we ought." All too often, what we ought to be doing is rewriting the limiting assumptions we hold about ourselves so that we can begin to believe in our brilliance.

Here's how it might play out:

You do something such as grumbling at your child to go away when they wake you up early. You realise your behaviour was sub-par. 

Notice any guilt and the sensations in your body feeling guilty is creating.

Notice what you're thinking: "I shouldn't have scrolled so much last night; then I wouldn't be so tired this morning, and I wouldn't have been grumpy. I feel so bad for being grumpy."

Examine your pre-frontal Post-it Notes: "I am a good mum." "I deserve rest." "I am good at making amends."

Ask yourself: 

"If I knew I could make amends, what would I do?" 

"If I knew I deserve rest, what would I do?" or 

"If I knew I was a good mum, how would I feel?"

Take note of your answers. 

"I will say sorry for being grumpy and give my kiddo a cuddle." 

"I will prioritise my sleep over scrolling."

"I would feel less pressured about messing up occasionally." 

Take action.

Make amends when you pick your child up. Add downtime restrictions to your phone. Say no to a commitment so you can rest. Whatever step is manageable and begins to address the change you need.

Let it go.

Take a big breath and release those stored feelings of guilt.

In my experience, parents I see struggling with guilt are always amazing. Yes, they occasionally do sub-par things. They are human, not perfect, but this doesn't stop them from being exactly the parent their child needs - grumpy moments and all!