Reduce Whining Peacefully: 6 Steps to Take

Does your child's whining send you reaching for the wine?

Whining happens at all ages but tends to peak shortly after the toddler years. (Perhaps, on occasion, you've done it as an adult, when you reach for the wine only to shock, horror… discover it gone?)

Think of the moments you've whined as an adult. Chances are you were trying to get to grips with something making you feel uncomfortable. You probably don't do it often because you've found other, more effective ways to meet your needs. Your child is still learning how to do that. They are not whining because it annoys you. They are whining because they haven't yet learned better methods of getting their needs met!

Whining is designed to get your attention, much like crying from a baby or a tantrum from a toddler, so it’s unsurprising that it grates. While it is always important to take some time to examine your reaction so you can adjust it if necessary, it can also be helpful to have a simple step-by-step guide.

So here goes...

ONE - Find a Positive Track

Take a moment to think of one thing you love about your child. This will help you avoid seeing your child as the enemy driving you bonkers. If you share this with them, it will help them to feel more positive, often reducing whining.

TWO - Get Curious

Get curious about what your child might be communicating. Do they have a lot of stored-up emotions they don't know how to release (common after a day at nursery or school)? Do they feel lonely and need to connect with you? Are they bored and need a bit of help settling into independent play? We can respond to them more appropriately when we pause and consider their message. We may also have no clue, and that's okay too - simply trying to understand helps to make our child feel seen and heard, which reduces whining.

Remind yourself that behaviour is often a form of communication. Children need us to notice their discomfort or boredom or whatever it is, to empathise, to show we understand it, and to help them through it. This is not the same as giving in to their demands!

THREE - Consider your Response

Consider how you usually respond and if it is helpful. If it doesn't reduce whining, try either:

RESPONDING PLAYFULLY

Playfulness helps shift your child out of their stuck whining mode. Here are some phrases to try: "Oh no! The whine monsters gobbled you up! I need to give him a big squishy hug and get you out of there." you say while you give a big hug and pretend to rescue your child. 

Big dramatic pause... "Did the whine dinosaur steal your strong voice? I'm going to chase it and get your voice back!" as you begin to chase your child. 

RESPONDING EMPATHETICALLY

Connecting through touch - a hand on the shoulder, a squeeze of their hand, a hug or an arm around them - releases love hormones that calm them and you down. Then you might say something like...

"You're finding this shopping trip really hard, aren't you? It's not super exciting, is it? Do you want to sit up in the trolley and help me tick things off the list?”

Then, when you are connected, you can encourage the voice you'd like to hear. “Do you have your strong voice back? Can you use it to tell me what you need?”

FOUR - Check for Patterns 

Have you inadvertently reinforced the whining by giving your child what they want to stop it? If you think you've helped to set up a pattern, you can break it. Say something like, "I know you usually get a doughnut when you whine in the supermarket. I have done that in the past because I didn't know what to do, and I think you're whining because you're not sure how to ask for what you need. We both need to learn new things! I know you don't like shopping, so can you help make it really quick?"

Then, move to playful mode. "We need tomatoes and cucumber. The cucumber is rainbow-coloured. Can you see it?" "Oh, it's not rainbow-coloured. I had the wrong glasses on. It's green! Phew, thanks for pointing that out!"

Being silly usually gets giggles, which are a good antidote for whining.

FIVE - Revisit & Practice

When you and your child are calm and connected, chat about voices. Let them know that while you understand they may feel like whining sometimes, it is easier for you to know what they want when they ask in their strong voice. You can role-play scenes in a fun and playful way, for example, you being the child and your child being the parent. You could also use dolls or toys to illustrate different voices.

SIX - Avoid what doesn't work

Advice to ignore a child’s whining until they use their 'big child' voice is common. I've seen parents do this many times and never seen it working. Usually, the child feels disconnected when their parent ignores them, which makes them feel insecure and more desperate to get their attention, increasing whining. The parent, in exasperation, then either gives in to their requests, continues ignoring them, or pretends they can't understand until their child uses a different voice. This behaviour from the parent increases emotional discomfort in the child until it is overwhelming for them. Depending on the usual pattern, the child either has a tantrum or retreats into themselves, believing that their parent can't meet their needs. The parent's irritation usually increases through this process, too. In short, no one benefits.

To not react to the whining negatively, you’ll need to pause long enough to bring your own emotions into balance. Do you have your pause buttons ready? If you don't, you may find it hard to respond calmly, so it's worth thinking about what will help you stay balanced in challenging moments like these.