Creating a Village
It takes a village to raise a child, but in my world - London - that village feels remote and fictional. Parenting in isolation is far more the norm than anything else, creating a detrimental environment for parents and their children. Knowing where to turn when you're struggling or have a query can feel overwhelmingly complicated.
It's telling that one of the common questions I get asked is, "Is that behaviour normal?" In a village, we'd know the answer. We'd have seen other children behaving in the same way. We'd have seen their parents' responses - both good and bad. Instead, with everyone isolated in their houses, shame creeps in - "Something must be wrong with us that our child is behaving this way." "There must be something wrong with me that we don't know how to parent perfectly."
There is an answer!
As Brené Brown says,
"If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive."
We need groups that stand in for villages where we can share our stories, be responded to with empathy and understanding, and gain insight and information.
When I ask parents why they don't seek help from friends or family, there are several valid reasons.
They don't want irrelevant or unwelcome advice.
They don't want to parent how their parents or extended family did/does
They fear judgement
They worry that others will misunderstand them
They want to find their own solutions
So what to do?
While parents may benefit from professional help sometimes, there is so much we can do for each other to reduce shame and improve our mental well-being. Could you consider creating a village? It doesn't have to be a massive project. With a few simple steps, we can develop advice-free zones to share stories and honour people's need for autonomy.
Here's how
Set it up
Find a welcoming place - you could walk in the park or gather in a pub, the library, a cafe, or a meeting room at work.
Decide on the timings and frequency.
Invite people - don't be put off by thinking you need a crowd. A village can grow from two people.
Set the scene
Chat about your hopes for the group to get value from your time together.
To feel less alone
To have a laugh
To release emotional tension
To share wisdom & information
To encourage goal-setting
To share resources and network
Or any others that are relevant to you.
Design a framework
You can sit in a circle and hear from each person
You can create small groups for discussion.
You can take turns thinking in pairs
You can share information from a book to examine together.
You can watch a TED talk or listen to a podcast and discuss how it might help you.
Or choose according to your specific group's needs.
Decide on any guidelines.
Set some guidelines to avoid societal norms that inhibit people from asking for help.
Ask people to refrain from interrupting, ensuring they listen to each person until they have fully finished.
Ask people to avoid advice. Unwelcome advice is one of the key barriers to asking for help. Advice can be problematic because people often feel pressured into taking it or feel they have failed if they can't put it into action. The advice giver can also be disappointed or upset if others don't follow their advice.
Ask people to share their experiences instead. These can include the good and the bad experiences, which gives a more holistic picture. It can help people feel less alone and discover options they might like to try.
It is good to be able to share problems, but focusing only on challenges can create a negative spiral. Consider how you can avoid this. For example, you could hear one challenge and then collect the group's wisdom and experience. The person presenting the challenge can decide on their next steps before moving to another person's challenge.
Creating sustainability
Consider group ownership to avoid burnout or the group stopping if your circumstances change.
Try to spread organisational input by empowering everyone to have an equal stake in the group's success.
Take turns and consider equality wherever possible.
Expect to need to make changes. Few things are a roaring success right from the start. Be prepared to experiment with what works and to tweak as you go.
We are communal beings, not designed to figure everything out alone. We can all benefit from embracing vulnerability to reach out both to give and receive support.
Would you like to gather more meaningfully with friends and colleagues but need help knowing where to start? Click here to email me your thoughts. I'd love to share my experiences of what's worked for me.
If you want to set up a support group or buddy system at work, I offer corporate training to ensure the program is effective and sustainable. Please click to book an appointment to discuss the options or email me.
