Getting Comfortable With Emotions

One of the hardest thing for any parent is to be able to stay serene in the face of all of our children’s emotions. When they’re feeling joyful it’s infectious, no complaint there, but what about when they’re feeling anxious or upset? Infectious too isn’t it?

It’s perfectly normal to get pulled into our child’s emotions but to help our child, it’s vital that we notice their effect on our own emotions and are able to deal with our emotions appropriately so that we don’t add drama to the situation.

If we want to think clearly about any situation, we need to understand what feelings are surfacing and find that tranquil spot where we’re not overcome by emotion but equally, we’re not suppressing our emotions. Ideally, this is the same spot we are hoping to help our child reach. In the face of our child needing help with regulating their emotions, we need to get there first and fast!

There are many small things that can help but I think self-awareness while not the easiest solution is the answer!

Becoming self-aware is a journey and it can take a lifetime’s exploration, but to help your child you don’t need ultimate mastery. You just need to start to be curious about yourself. Wondering in any moment what you are feeling. Sitting quietly noticing your own thoughts. Considering the impact of those thoughts on your emotions. Self-awareness begins with being open, interested, and brave enough to ask for help if you need it. Mindfulness, meditation, coaching, and therapy all help deepen awareness.

When it comes to parenting, being able to access the thoughts that cause us to want to fix our child’s emotions or make it hard or even impossible to be comfortable with more difficult emotions is essential to parenting at our best. Your emotions will give you clues about what you are thinking.

Here’s an example…

Your child is feeling anxious and out of control so she refuses to put on her shoes. She’s not old enough to articulate or understand her emotions or to know how to deal with their discomfort. She needs your help and attention and refusing to put on her shoes certainly gets your attention.

Your anxiety levels start to creep up, if you don’t leave in 3 minutes you’ll be late for school. You start to fix and control the situation. You remember some stuff about giving kids choices. ‘Do you want to put them on or do you want me to help you?’ you say trying to keep the tension out of your voice. ‘I don’t want my shoes on.’ she starts to cry as she runs up the stairs.

Now without self-awareness, your focus will remain on getting to school on time because your anxiety will be driving your actions. You may start to feel frustrated or despondent. You are likely to yell at your daughter to put her shoes on now or tell her she’s being silly or that you’ll be late and she’ll get in trouble. She’ll probably continue to cry and refuse to come and put her shoes on. You’ll probably be late for school despite the yelling. You’ll probably both feel worse afterward.

Now if you had developed deeper self-awareness you might notice your chest tightening and your jaw tensing. You might know these are signs of feeling anxious. You might know to take a deep breath and look for the thoughts causing your anxiety.

You spot the thought…’If we’re late it will show everyone I can’t get anything together, that I’m hopeless at parenting.’ No wonder you’re feeling anxious and in need of getting to school NOW! Right time for a reframe you think and pop another thought in ‘If I knew being a good parent isn’t about being on time what would I do now?’ And with that thought, you are able to think more clearly and release yourself from the grip of anxiety, your focus shifts.

‘I wonder what’s going on with my daughter?’ you might think. And so you go upstairs and connect and discover she tore someone’s picture by mistake at school yesterday and they’re going to still be cross with her and she’s scared of going to school and the shoes had nothing to do with it at all.

As you listen to your daughter you are able to help her calm down, so she can move from her own anxiety into a place where she too can think more clearly and consider how she can make amends. As you listen you give her the courage to get those shoes.

You may still be late for school but with self-awareness, you are able to achieve so much more than being on time. Next time she’ll know there is a path out of her own anxiety, she’ll trust you can help her and she’ll know she can help herself.

With knowledge of how to manage our own emotions, we can be comfortable with our child’s emotions. We can feel secure that we’ll be able to be there for them, to listen, connect and encourage them to self-regulate because we’re able to stay calm.

We’ll probably still feel that rush of sadness when they’re feeling sad or that prick of anxiety when they’re feeling anxious but our discomfort at feeling that emotion won’t cloud our ability to be there for them.