Repair After A Rupture
You’ve probably heard it before - there’s no such thing as a perfect parent - but just in case I’ll inform you too. There is no such thing as a perfect parent! We all make mistakes. Sometimes, however, those mistakes can negatively affect our relationship with our children and so we need to repair the damage.
How to Repair Your Relationship
Step 1 - Reflection
Reflect on the things that you feel guilty about or feel might have caused a rift. Rather than sitting with the guilt of having lost your temper be proactive and repair it. You’ll feel a lot better!
Reflect too on the things that caused ruptures in your relationship with your own parents. What things did they do or say that you would love them to acknowledge and apologies for? We often repeat patterns, so are you falling into any of the same traps?
Step 2 - Repair
It should be easy but we often hijack ourselves. This could be for a variety of reasons but most commonly it is pride or shame. Apologising takes courage. It takes admitting we have done something we don’t think is great and making amends.
We can also have grown up without adults ever admitting to being wrong, so mistakenly think children don’t need apologies.
Thankfully young children are generally wonderfully forgiving. It might be a different scenario with teens and your apology may be met with stony silence or a curt remark. That’s ok, you’ve done your bit and your child has heard you, they just need a bit of time to process it. You’re giving the apology but you’re not in control of how it is received.
So here’s how to apologise well…
State what you did wrong - I lost my temper
Say you’re sorry - I’m sorry I yelled at you
Empathise - That must have been scary for you
Say what you’ll do in future - I’m going to try very hard to take some deep breaths when I’m really cross instead of yelling at you.
Explain if necessary - I did not get enough sleep last night, it’s not an excuse but I think it made it harder for me to keep my cool.
Hug or give a reassuring touch
Listen to what your child has to say
What to avoid when apologising…
Listing what they did wrong.
Over-explaining yourself. Keep it short and to the point.
Insincerity. Remember you’re repairing your relationship and honesty is an integral part of that relationship so don’t fake an apology.
Getting defensive.
Talk about their behaviour and do any disciplining outside of the apology. Repair is about you apologising for what you feel you did wrong. Remember your behaviour is your responsibility no matter how inconvenient your child’s behaviour is. You can still redirect their behaviour but you’ll get cooperation far more easily if you acknowledge you mess up sometimes too and don’t blame your over-reaction on them.
It’s never too late! Even as a grown-up there may be things that you would like your parents to acknowledge and apologise for, so if there are things you have been feeling guilty about for years talk to your child about them. You might find you’ve been carrying around a load of guilt about an incident that they’ve totally forgotten and if not the conversation will be a step in the direction of repair.
Step 3 - Self Awareness & Change
If you are continually rupturing your relationship, simply apologising every time won’t wash with your child. If you’ve promised yourself you won’t lose your temper and yet you still do on a regular basis, then it’s time to develop greater self-awareness around the issue. Give yourself the time to think deeply about the causes of your reaction and try to drill into how you can facilitate change for yourself. You will have greater influence over your child’s behaviour if you are more fully aware of your own and the impact it has - parenting well always starts with you.
If you need help on any of these topics please book a Free Ignite Change session to find out how I can support you.
