Avoiding Labels for Better Self-Esteem

I'd like to have a quick word about giving our kids negative labels. It is a common trap that can fix an unhelpful image of our children in our heads and theirs, making parenting harder for us and lowering their self-esteem.

If children get negative labels - difficult, bossy, over-emotional, or more - they begin to believe that of themselves. The script they start to write for their lives gets acted out from these beliefs. 

Suppose we take a moment to notice our inner voice. The harsh things we say to ourselves often come from negative labels given to us in childhood. They won't all come from parents - peers, teachers, and others can contribute too. We can't protect our children from everything negative that is said to them, but we have a powerful and influential role to play in the soundtrack of their inner voice. 

Try to bring awareness to your thoughts about your child and what you may say to them. If you notice negative labels, give these three steps a go before you whip out that self-flagellation stick or pile on feelings of guilt.

ONE: Focus on Positivity

Look for the positive side to any negative label. Instead of calling a child stubborn, we could find joy in the fact that they will resist peer pressure. Instead of calling a child shy, we can notice how much courage and bravery they have to overcome the fear of new social situations. A child we see as difficult may simply be good at expressing her opinion. We can find positivity in every negative label if we take a moment.

TWO: Consider A Phase

Another way to shift perspective is to see these labels as phases your child is going through that will change. 

Toddlers' behaviour can be pretty dictatorial, but the vast majority avoid becoming adult dictators. Teens can show emotional volatility, but as their brain changes settle, they generally feel calmer and can think more rationally and holistically. We can inadvertently fix their view of who they are by attributing negative labels to these developmentally normal phases.

THREE: Behaviour vs. Personality

Keep a focus on negative behaviour as just that - behaviour. We all behave badly sometimes, but that doesn't make us bad. We all have moments when we can't be bothered to do something, but that doesn't make us lazy. The same is true for children.

"Today, I found her behaviour difficult." is a different and more helpful narrative to "She is difficult." 

Perhaps you were given a label as a child that stuck and has lowered your self-esteem. It may be time to shift your perspective on that, too!

If you want to read more about labels, you can do so in my blog: Labels & How to Avoid Them.

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