Communicating with Teens (& Tweens)
The back-chatting, the eye-rolling and mono-syllabic communication start to appear in early tweens and the response I’ve heard from parents is a variety of fear and panic for what the teenage years might bring and a pang of sadness at the end of childhood. Actually, once in full swing of parenting the teenage years, most parents say it’s not so bad. They do, however, acknowledge that it has challenges! One of the biggest of these is communicating in a way that avoids arguments.
Just like any form of communication, there are ways of expressing ourselves well in order to be understood, however, when it comes to our teenagers, the barriers to communication are more complex than simply not having communication skills. It helps to know certain techniques, but it helps more to understand the causes of our reactions and why despite our best intentions, we end up saying the things we know are far from best practice.
Take this example…
You walk past your teen's room and peer in. Sitting on the floor is a crumb covered plate, a pile of clothes (both clean & dirty) and a whole lot of other junk. For most parents, that’s not an ideal scene, but our response will differ from each other and that because the thoughts that pop into our heads differ. It’s those thoughts and assumptions that create the emotions that then lead to our actions. It’s those thoughts that enable us to communicate calmly or not. Here are some of the thoughts you might have…
'I'm taken for granted.' 'No one ever listens to me.' 'Nag, nag, I hate myself that's all I do.' 'If they loved me, they would listen.' 'They're such a slob, I should have raised them better.' 'Why does no one value me?' 'I'm sick of being ignored ' 'Not sure I'd listen to me either' ‘Why did I get the lazy kid, I bet other kids tidy their rooms.’
Our mind is sneaky, if we’re not watching we’re quick to lay the blame on ourselves. We’re also quick to envisage a future where our children’s momentary slothful insolence in their teenage years leads them to a disastrous future, exposing us as a failed parent. The discomfort of those thoughts makes us emotional, it’s painful to make assumptions like we’re a failure, so with a skip and a hop that emotional pain turns to anger because our brain uses anger to 'protect' us. We verbally attack our child to divert our thoughts and we feel justified in being angry.
How dare they do this to us with their mess?
“You’re so lazy, how many times have a told you to tidy your room, I’m sick of being ignored, sort it out right now or you’re banned from your phone, in fact, give me your phone now, you spend too much time on it, it’s ridiculous, you’re going to fail your exams if you carry on like this. If you listened you’d be in a much better situation…”
Our bemused teen looks at the plate, can’t make the leap to failed exams and switches off altogether or makes some witty remark that earns them no bonus points in your eyes and your rage increases.
Most of us would say that our parental role is to bring up responsible, resilient, emotionally healthy teens who are able to lead a fulfilled life, build good relationships, and enjoy adulthood, or something along those lines. Emotional arguments, nagging and yelling are unlikely to give us this result so how do we break the cycle?
The good news is it starts with us!
If we know and understand ourselves we are better placed to choose how we communicate. If we have learnt all the necessary communication skills but don’t understand our thoughts we won’t be able to put those skills into action when we are faced with behaviour we don’t like. We will still be triggered because our thoughts are hijacking our ability to stay calm and no one acts sensibly or communicates well when they’re angry!
Changing how we react to our tween or teen and therefore how we are able to communicate with them starts with observing our thoughts. We can’t change our thoughts with a magic switch but when we can see them for the limiting untrue assumptions that they are, we can stop giving them the power to govern us. We can learn to think new, useful thoughts and we are able to gather evidence so we believe those thoughts - diminishing the power of the limiting ones.
Our teens can be messy, disorganised, self-centre, emotional and wonderful. Their brains are brilliant works in progress, adult logic and reasoning not yet formed. Their development into adults requires them to push away from us, to see our flaws, to argue to develop their independent reasoning skills, to find a tribe outside of home and to learn to manage the huge cognitive and hormonal changes they are experiencing.
To parent them well, we must get to know ourselves, so we understand our triggers and are able to hit our pause buttons in order to respond positively. When we truly believe we are worthy, lovable, important and hold ourselves in high esteem, we are able to see our children’s behaviour with clarity. We are able to stop reacting from a place of fear, unmet expectation and limited belief in our ability. We can see their behaviour for what it is rather than the result of our failure to parent well or a personal attack. We can see where we can guide them, we can communicate our expectations and be clear about the boundaries and we can do all of this calmly and confidently with an eye on what truly matters to us and to them.
Once this is done we can enhance our communication techniques, knowing that our anger or hurt won’t hijack our efforts.
Here are ten tips for communicating better when you need to address problematic behaviour…
1. Avoid going in guns blazing instead approach the situation from the position of being on your teen’s side and that you are working together to find a solution.
2. Avoid interrupting instead listen with interest even if what your teen is saying is difficult for you to hear or you disagree with them. By listening first you’ll understand more and be better placed to respond appropriately. By listening first, your teen will have a chance to work through their own thoughts and move past problems to find solutions, they will also feel better understood which reduces their feelings of defensiveness.
3. Avoid criticism, negative labels & blame instead begin every conversation about behaviour change with a positive comment about a quality you love, admire or appreciate in your child.
4. Avoid nagging instead find a time when you’re both calm to discuss the behaviour you would like to see change. Keep it simple, state expectations and ask for their input and solutions.
5. Avoid long lectures instead keep to the point and relevant to the behaviour you’d like to see change. Don’t let one issue turn into a whole list of things.
6. Avoid punishment instead empower them to make amends or to see the potentially problematic consequences of their behaviour.
7. Avoid telling them how they feel or speaking or thinking for them instead involve them in decision making, ask them what they think and acknowledge their feelings.
8. Avoid belittling their experience instead just listen without judgement and acknowledge their feelings even if it’s not your experience or if you can't see why they have that experience.
9. Avoid yelling, arguments and always needing to be right in your other relationships instead model the behaviour you’d like to see in your child.
10. Avoid communicating only to improve behaviour instead ask questions your child is interested in answering, listen with interest, enjoy and appreciate watching their mind at work.
While there are many good books out there, these are a few of my favourites which will enhance your communication and deepen your relationship with your child.
How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk – Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
More Time to Think - Nancy Kline
The Grown Ups Guide to Teenage Humans – Josh Shipp
Parenting the Teenage Brain: Understanding a Work in Progress – Sheryl Feinstein Feinstein
Untangled Guiding Teenage Girls Through the 7 Transitions to Adulthood – Lisa Damour
The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children - Dr Shefali Tsabary
