Tips to Prevent Tidy Up Time Battles
There is no doubt that kids bring a wealth of mess and chaos along with them. Some parents happily skip along beside it, but let's face it the majority of us aren't fond of the feeling of Lego underfoot.
Here are some tips for parents of younger kids to keep cool, calm & collected AND get things tidy.
Liberate yourself!
I grew up in a very neat household. Things had their place and tidying had a schedule. I like things tidy and when they aren't I used to feel agitated. I had a coaching session to learn to accept and tolerate mess because I wanted my reaction to it to change. It worked 100% - I was liberated from my agitation and my kids were liberated from my tidy-up tyranny. Perhaps you're chilled about mess or perhaps like I did, you need liberation from agitation. I find it helpful to focus my thoughts on the fun that created the mess and remind myself that I have choice and nothing bad will happen if it stays messy for a bit, but different thoughts might work for you. Jot down some of your thoughts and find helpful alternative thoughts to play with.
Perspective Shift
Leaving a kid in a messy room and saying tidy up, will not work for several reasons.
Those toys are yelling ‘Hey look here, play with me!’ at the top of their lungs. Kids are impulsive and will find that incredibly hard to resist.
They don't see things from your perspective, 'What's mess?' they wonder, looking at the exciting things at their feet that they were happily engaged with a moment ago.
They don't know where to start, the task of tidying a whole room is overwhelming.
Transitioning to tidying up often signals the end of playtime. This is a hard transition for kids which will be made easier with your connection and empathy.
Skills Training
Tidying up is a skill. Just like any other skill you teach your kids, from toothbrushing to riding a bike, you need to break it down in a way that they can learn. You need to be there with them to model how to tidy and to offer support and encouragement.
Start by stating the problem, simply and descriptively “There are toys on the floor. If we leave them on the floor, it's easy to step on them which may break them or they may hurt our feet.” Avoid blame or shame. “If you weren’t so messy you won’t have to tidy up all this.” will not motivate!
Give the next step and rule. For example “After playtime we need to put the toys back on the shelf” Rules need to be thought about in the context of your own values and communicated clearly.
Get your child thinking “What can you see that isn't on the shelf?”
Appreciate them “You're super observant!" “You have super sharp eyes!” this is more motivating than vague praise such as “Good job.” or “Well done.”
Use questions rather than orders to direct ”Where does that live when you're not playing with it?" “Can you put it on the shelf?” etc this helps your child think for themselves rather than just following you, helping them to feel more autonomous and self-directed.
Commentate on what you are doing. “I'm picking up your books and putting them in a pile. Now I'm putting them on the bookshelf.”
Tools to consider
Write a short list of the main tidy-up tasks with your child (small children could draw the list, and older children could write it themselves). You could use it as a checklist and they could add stickers or tick it off as they go.
Get your child to take photos of what a tidy playroom looks like. Print them out and keep them handy. Play spot the difference to help them stay on track.
Label boxes with pictures so children can easily see where to put things.
Play music and dance, twirl, stomp or wiggle those books to the bookshelf.
Create games that suit your child. I'm a forklift truck and I'm scooping up the trains because there's a fire and they need saving. Quick I've got to get them in the box!
Set routines. Consistency helps kids know what is coming up and leads to less resistance. If you don't have a set routine, make sure they know what's coming up next so it's not a surprise as this makes transitions smoother.
Manage expectations
We'd all love it if we could give the tidy-up instruction, drink our cup of tea, and return to find everything in place, but we know that's not reasonable.
So what is reasonable?
Reasonable is meeting your child where they are without comparison to others. Considering what they are capable of and working towards them increasing their capabilities. Reasonable is remaining calm so you are able to contain any emotional dysregulation that comes from tricky transitions, helping your child soothe and supporting them to learn what they need to learn.
Learning tends not to be a straight upward graph. Some days your child may find tidying up easier than others, some days they may play up. As with all behavioural hiccups, start with connecting with your child and then troubleshooting what might be going on for them. Are they tired, have they had enough of your quality attention, are they hungry etc?
What about incentives?
The best reward for tidying up is noticing how you feel when you’ve put effort into something and it has made a difference. Help your child notice this. Look for the good things they’re doing, notice effort and let go of perfection. Give hugs, appreciation and connection. Treats or other rewards for daily tasks will cause problems later on and potentially lead to your child refusing to do things without them - not a situation you want to find yourself in. Punishments may work short-term, but your child will only be doing things because they are scared of your reaction rather than because they are learning skills and developing intrinsic motivation.
A word on teens…
Teens often get labelled lazy when they are messy but the two are not intrinsically linked. Seeing your teen as lazy is a sure-fire way to agitate yourself. How else could you view your teen in order to not feel irritated at their messiness? If you are interested in knowing how you can set boundaries with teens without conflict and liberate yourself from agitation book an Ignite Change Session.
