Anxiety: How to help your child
When a child is anxious, parents can help enormously by how they respond and inadvertently do or say things that exacerbate the anxiety. Here are some steps to consider.
Notice your own thoughts
What do you think about the situation? If you think your child is overreacting, needs to grow up, should get over it or is being silly, even if you try and say the ‘right’ things, your child will sense your opinion. Conversely you might be thinking that your child needs protecting, that they can’t manage without you, that you need to smooth their path and remove triggers. You might incorrectly assume they are experiencing anxiety based on your own experience, when in fact they’re not. It is worth spending a bit of time talking through your thoughts with someone who will listen to you without giving you lots of advice or judgement. Or it might be useful to journal. Be honest with your thoughts, even if you think they aren’t ‘good.’ Once you know what you are thinking it is easier to be supportive in a conscious way.
Notice what you model
One of the most challenging parts of being a parent is modelling the behaviour you would like to see in your child. If you feel anxious, try to overtly use the coping mechanisms in the blog Teaching Coping Skills for Anxiety, or share with your child your experience of what helps you when you are feeling anxious. Remember it’s ok to feel what you feel, just work on noticing it and building your own coping strategies to find emotional balance. Learning together is incredibly power so don’t think you need to have perfected emotional regulation.
Accept your child’s feelings
The aim is not to get rid of feelings of anxiety, but to help your child feel that they can cope with those feelings. When your child is feeling anxious, you can let them know that feeling like that is ok while also sharing with them your belief that they can cope and reinforce that they are safe. ‘ It’s ok to feel scared, but you are safe and we can walk past the dog together.’
Teach them coping skills
When your child isn’t feeling anxious talk about their feelings and work on ways that will help them cope together. There are a lot of different skills your child can learn to help with anxiety. Start by taking small steps to teach the skills that resonate the most. Read Blog: Teaching Coping Skills for Anxiety
Listen
It helps for a child to be able to talk to you about their fears, but don’t ask questions that imply they should be afraid of something. Instead of asking ‘Are you nervous about your test tomorrow?’ ask how they are feeling about their test and just listen. Remember a problem shared is a problem halved! The idea is to listen in order for them to work out their own thoughts and to find solutions for themselves, it’s ok if they don’t logically find a perfect solution, just voicing their thoughts helps begin to untangle them.
What to Avoid
There are also things that you might say or do that, however well meaning they are, end up exaserbating your child’s anxiety. So here are some tips:
Avoiding Trigger Situations
Don’t stay away from situations that make your child anxious. Take it slowly and remind them of the coping mechanism that they have at their disposal. ‘You’re worried that no one will play with you at the party, I’ll stay and we can take some deep breaths together before you join in a party game.’ Avoiding situations doesn’t allow your child the opportunity to practice their coping skills so try and facilitate opportunities that help them to slowly step outside their boundaries. Don’t force them either, if all they can do at the party is hand the present over and leave or sit on your lap and watch that’s ok. Appreciate their bravery and ask them what brave thing they might try next time.
ADvice & Solutions
Don’t pile on the advice and give logical reasons why it’ll all be fine. While it is tempting to try and persuade your child to feel ok about something that they find anxiety-inducing, it will probably lead to you feeling frustrated. Due to feeling anxious, your child may not be able to take your advice which could lead to feelings of failure. In addition, a child’s brain development doesn’t allow for adult-style logical thinking, so your wise words may not make a lot of sense to your child.
Accepting their fears
Don’t belittle or dismiss their fears or promise them that what they fear won’t happen. If they are worried that no one will play with them, help them decide what they will do if that happens, let them know you believe they can cope even if it does happen.
Beware of Labels
Don’t label them. Be conscious of how you are speaking about your child to them and in their presence. If you talk about them as being 'an ‘anxious child’, they will believe that about themselves and it will be harder to see themselves as brave or courageous. Instead of saying they are anxious, say that they are feeling anxious, in this way anxiety is something that comes and goes rather than a part of who they are.
Punishments & rewards
Don’t punish anxiety or reward bravery. Punishment only increases fear and doesn’t help a child overcome anxiety. Rewards might be a short-term fix, but they don’t increase your child’s coping skills or develop the intrinsic motivation that comes from being able to take steps towards overcoming their fears.
Final word
Courage comes from encouragement. In order to encourage someone, we have to believe that they are a wonderful, capable human being, and that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with them and we have to share that belief with them. There is no place for criticising a child’s character, it only increases self-doubt and anxiety. Look for the characteristics your child has that make them gorgeously unique and let them know what you see so that they build up a positive image of themselves.
If your child is unable to lead a normal life due to anxiety and nothing seems to help, seek profession support for them. The charity Young Minds is a good place to start, or visit your GP.
