6 Strategies to Enjoy Parenting
Parenting is complex, and we can get tangled up in what matters and how to get it right. There is no one way to parent, and embracing our individuality is important to build an authentic bond with our children. This 6 point strategy helps you to keep in mind what is important while allowing your uniqueness to shine through.
The strategies are as follows:
Calm: What self-awareness do I need to stay calm?
Confidence: What do I need to learn to parent confidently?
Curiosity: What question needs asking and answering?
Connection: Am I remembering to connect with my child with compassion & empathy?
Clarity: Is my information & instruction clear and understandable?
Consistency: Are my expectations, boundaries and communication consistent?
I know headspace isn’t exactly in abundance for most parents, but carve out a few minutes and consider each question - there are 6, so it might take six days or six weeks. However long it takes, that’s just fine: parenting is a stroll, not a sprint.
There is an individual blog on each strategy which goes into more depth, explains how they can help you parent and gives you tips. The following is a summary:
I've never met a parent who likes yelling at their kids or adults who liked being yelled at when they were kids. When a child is scared, they may comply with your instructions, but it doesn't work to build the kind of close relationship that lasts into adulthood. Yelling also doesn't make us feel good about ourselves. When we are calm we make better choices and can guide our children thoughtfully and respectfully, making parenting much more enjoyable.
Responding to behaviour calmly takes two things.
The first is a commitment to try - unless we actively decide we want to respond calmly and don't want to yell or overreact, it just won't happen!
The second is self-awareness. We need to know our triggers, be curious about our thinking and how that affects our behaviour, and develop habits that keep us balanced.
When you know what helps you stay calm - taking some deep breaths, walking away for a moment if safe to do so, repeating a mantra in your head etc - you can practice using those tools until they become second nature.
You might find that you are still getting angry or upset despite consciously pausing to recentre. This is normal and indicates that there may be some inner healing that needs to happen first. Give yourself time to explore this or book a free Ignite Change session via my website - exploration is often easier with help.
Strategy 2 - Building Confidence
Keeping calm is only the first step. We also need to have the tools to respond effectively. Knowledge of what to do in challenging situations builds confidence. If you feel unsure about any aspect of your parenting, spend time thinking about it, talking with friends or researching ideas. When you are feeling confident, you will be able to navigate problematic behaviour more easefully.
Trusting yourself is also an essential part of feeling confident in your parenting. It may be helpful to use journalling or other methods to tap into your inner wisdom and remove doubts about your ability to parent well. In my experience, parents don’t give themselves nearly enough credit, so don’t forget to give yourself a big pat on the back for what is going well!
Strategy 3 - Being Curious
Approaching behaviour challenges with curiosity will help you understand how to respond positively. When your child behaves in an undesirable way, do what you need to do to be calm and then get curious.
What might my child be experiencing right now?
What might I feel like in this same situation?
Is their behaviour caused by something other than what it seems?
Children don't misbehave because they want to be difficult. Their behaviour is how they communicate their inner world, so curiosity about what’s going on improves our understanding and responses. An upside of keeping an enquiring, open mind is that it may help you to feel less irritated with their misbehaviour. It's ok if you don't know what's being communicated immediately. Reflecting on behaviour after the event can also help you respond better the next time it crops up.
‘Why does my child keep doing this, even though they know they shouldn’t?’ is a common question I get. If you need help figuring out the answer, I’m only an email away - you can reach me HERE.
Strategy 4 - Connection
Even if we are curious and seek to understand our kids, sometimes we have no idea! Luckily, we don't have to understand them fully to be able to respond empathetically. Reflecting on what you see or asking for insight will help your child feel understood. We all want a little empathy and understanding, and often that is enough for your child to unburden themselves of whatever the real cause is and to find their own way to better behaviour. We're not expecting compassion to be a miracle cure for difficult behaviour; we're offering it in the hope that our children will feel safe and loved. Our compassionate connection may lead to tears, but they'll be good tears that will wash away whatever they need to, so our child can move on instead of staying stuck.
When a child is in an emotional muddle, words won’t cut it, so say less and use the power of touch to communicate. An arm around your child's shoulder, a kiss on their head and a good hug work wonders to connect.
Strategy 5 - Ensuring Clarity
When we deliver instructions or information, we must ensure it is clear. Children's brains are not fully developed, and their ability to focus on and understand instructions will be childlike. When children don't understand, they may pretend to understand or respond in a way they think we expect rather than asking for clarity or admitting they don't get it.
The first step is always to make sure your child is listening. Children take play very seriously, and it's unlikely they will hear you if you instruct while they are in the midst of it. For best results, sit or crouch next to your child and engage them by commenting on their actions. Then when they look at you, say in as few words as possible what you want your child to hear. Then check they have understood.
Strategy 6 - Being Consistent
Finally, it helps to be consistent. The consistency we're after here concerns your approach to discipline and your child. It differs from inflexibility or rigidity. Your child’s cooperation and ability to ride the wave of difficult emotions without resorting to unacceptable behaviour relies on them having a close attachment bond to you. Embracing the 6 Cs strategy as consistently as possible will strengthen that bond.
There is no magic wand, and kids will behave in ways that we'd rather they didn't (honestly, I’d worry if they were perfectly behaved!). Still, if we follow these six strategies, we'll deepen our relationship with them and create a safe, secure environment from which they can grow and thrive into adulthood.
Some of this is straightforward, and some strategies may need a spot of work! It took me time, failure and patience to develop into the parent I wanted to be, and as my children change, I have needed to go deeper into my own journey of self-discovery to weather the wonders of the teen years. I couldn’t have done it without the wonderful headspace provided by other coaches. If you need help, book a free IGNITE CHANGE call to discover how I can support you. This isn’t a sales call. It’s an opportunity for you to learn more about how I work, and if it feels right to book further sessions, I’ll give you the info you need.
