No. 2 Confidence: Strategies to Enjoy Parenting
Children come with a million questions. Are they getting enough milk, how do I know what’s wrong when they cry, will I ever sleep again, what am I doing wrong, is this normal? I could add a thousand more…
When you vaguely get the hang of the baby phase, you’re whisked on to the next stage and the next set of questions. All those new questions you don’t have the answer to can erode self-esteem, sewing little seeds of self-doubt which hijack your ability to enjoy the time you have with your child. Worrying about your ability to approach each new challenge well is frustrating and stressful, it makes parents snap, yell, bribe or give up. So if confidence matters, what is it that you need to parent confidently?
Knowledge is a part of building confidence and most parents will start here.
Knowing what is developmentally normal for your child, knowing what is reasonable to expect from your child, having a list of phrases up your sleeve that seem to work well, understanding your child’s experience, knowing the personal perspective you might bring to the situation etc all help you to approach parenting with greater confidence and understanding. Consider what you don’t know yet that would help you and then take the steps to find the information you need.
Self-confidence is the second & more important piece to parenting with confidence.
When you have the confidence to back yourself, to trust your own decisions and to know you are doing the best you can for yourself and your child, it transforms how you approach parenting. Self-confidence however, is a slippery beast, and how you gain it is a question that requires quite serious contemplation.
Here are 7 steps to building that confidence in yourself.
Start by noticing what you do well. If ideas aren’t flowing, start with just one thing. Write it down. Add to it daily and refer back to it to give yourself a boost when you need it.
Think about what qualities you have that enabled you to do that thing well. Perhaps you have patience which enables you to watch your child work out a puzzle by themselves. Perhaps your organisational skills enabled you to juggle drop off & an important work meeting. Perhaps you have enough inner strength to get out of bed despite how difficult it felt.
Notice how you talk to yourself. This in itself won’t built confidence, but it will bring awareness to what might be causing you to lack confidence. We say things to ourselves we’d never dream of uttering to someone else. That negative chat undermines our best efforts so the first step is to bring it to awareness.
Help yourself to replace that negative self-talk. When you notice that voice saying ‘I’ve got no clue what to do, I’m useless.’ experiment with a question e.g ‘I might not know exactly what to do, but what do I know?’ or use a mantra, for example ‘I know enough to get by for now, I can do this.’ What will work for you will be unique and will need practice to embed. Spend time finding your helpful phrases or questions.
Start a journal. Journalling gives you an outlet for what’s going on in your life. It helps you to see patterns - where things are working and where you might need help. It helps you to see how you’re talking to yourself so that you can make changes and it helps to get things into perspective.
Commit to self-care. Even small steps start sending the message to yourself that you are worth investing time in. Not only does self-care help you feel more balanced, valuing yourself leads to confidence.
Ditch the need for perfection. You’re a wonderful, imperfect human and that’s exactly what your children need - embrace it!
Of course gaining knowledge and self-confidence doesn’t mean your child will cease any annoying behaviour or stop chucking challenges in your direction, but when you are feeling confident, you will be able to see that behaviour as normal for your child rather than behaviour that is out to make your life miserable. You will know that you have the capability to help your child in whatever way is necessary so that your relationship deepens and they grow and develop to their full potential.
A final note…
Self-doubt can be deep seated, wiggling its way into your unconscious through your past experiences. Sometimes we hold negative thoughts, beliefs and assumptions about ourselves in a vice-like grip without realising it. If you feel that your route to confidence is blocked by too many insurmountable challenges, book a Free Ignite Change Session and together we can get that path cleared!
