No. 1 Calm: Strategies to Enjoy Parenting
Being able to respond thoughtfully and calmly to their kid’s challenging behaviour is on most parents’ wish lists. Parents know on a logical level that reacting by yelling, giving punishments or shutting their kids out, feels rubbish afterwards and controls our child’s behaviour through fear rupturing the close bond we want with them. And yet in that moment when their child is doing that thing that triggers them, staying calm is HARD!
Why it helps to stay calm
Knowing the benefits helps focus your determination to stay calm, so here they are…
You’re unlikely to do something or say something you regret.
You’re likely to have less guilt or doubt about your response.
Your child resonates with the lack of drama which helps them move through their emotions and challenges in a healthy way.
You are able to model a positive response for your child.
You can see more clearly what is most important in the situation.
Your child will find it easier to want to cooperate when they feel less fear.
You are able to parent peacefully with love - deepening the bond you have with your child.
How do you stay calm?
Ah, wouldn’t we love a simple answer to that question?!
While many a parent makes the mistake of thinking the way for them to stay calm is to have a child who behaves better, kids will be kids and if they behaved perfectly all the time that would be weird and unnatural. Staying calm is about you the parent, and it requires a combination of self-awareness, self-compassion and self-care.
Self-Awareness
What triggers us in certain situations is generally driven by our own past experience, our future concerns and our current situation. We will have a swirl of thoughts about those going on that cause us to feel a certain way and our actions are then linked. If we are more aware of what’s going on for us in a particular situation we are better able to prevent it from hijacking our reaction.
Here’s a scenario to illustrate the point… As a child, you were not allowed to answer back to adults. No matter how unfair you felt it was and how desperately you wanted to be understood, you knew that if you spoke up you would be punished. On the odd occasion you couldn’t help yourself you were called rude, disrespectful, and ungrateful and then sent to your room. Fast forward to adulthood… you ask your child to do something, they answer back, and you feel anger rising. When you’ve calmed down you’re surprised by the intensity of your anger and how ferociously you yelled at your child. You feel a wave of guilt reflecting on the awful things you’ve just said to them. You vow not to react like that next time… and yet you do.
Then you spend some time working through your thoughts and past experiences. Next time you might still feel that anger rising but instead of reacting to the anger, you think “I know where that’s coming from. I know I’m still mad at my parents for how I was treated. I know thinking my child is ungrateful isn’t true. I know my child voicing their opinion is them figuring out how to set their own personal boundaries and doesn’t make them rude or disrespectful. I know cooperation is born out of a good relationship and I want to foster that relationship.” You take a moment to pause while you notice your thoughts and decide how best to respond. Your self-awareness takes your parenting in a new calmer, more peaceful, less drama-filled direction.
Developing self-awareness is often a complicated process and most people need some kind of help and support to do it. Speaking to a friend or family member, journalling, mindfulness activities, coaching and therapy are all options. Remember there is absolutely no shame in needing help - most people do!
Self Compassion
When we are telling ourselves we aren’t doing a good enough job, that we’re messing things up, that we’re useless or any other manner of horrible things, we’re going to feel pretty rubbish. When we’re feeling rubbish our focus shifts to what we can do to stop that from happening. All too often we focus outward on the behaviour we perceive is causing us to feel rubbish - that of our kids. Self-compassion begins with self-awareness and once you learn to recognise what you are saying to yourself, you can find a way to tell that unhelpful voice to pipe down. Remember you’re doing the best you can and you deserve your love, affection and appreciation!
Self Care
If you’re at full capacity you will find it incredibly hard to stay calm. Self-care isn’t just an expensive luxury like checking into a weekend spa, it’s those little moments in the day that you intentionally take to recentre yourself. They can range from sitting quietly and mindfully drinking a cup of tea before the household is up to taking a minute to breathe slowly and deeply. Write a list of things that help you to feel more at ease. Ensure there is a range from 5-minute activities to longer ones, schedule the longer activities and keep the list of 5-minute ones to hand to use throughout the day. Check in with how you are feeling and place value on looking after yourself.
Our children stretch us in all sorts of ways, but if we actively choose to grow and develop with them, we will increase our ability to respond calmly and reap the benefits in all areas of our lives.
