Boundaries, Expectations & Rules: A Guide!
Boundaries, parental expectations and rules are the guard rail on a mountain path. Along the way, you might lean over it to get closer to a beautiful flower hoping it doesn’t give way. You might even decide to step over it tempted by a better view for that perfect photo. As you slip your friend grabs your hand, you realise the stupidity of your choice as a kicked stone bounces to the valley below. Safe behind the guard rail, you decide you won’t do that again! You continue to enjoy the challenge of the climb within the guard rail and when the climb is done you get to enjoy the view and contemplate your next challenge.
Our kids need us to be that guard rail architect, to decide where the boundary needs to sit and to keep it firm, and they need us to be there when they make less than optimal choices and step over. Without that rail, kids paradoxically lose freedom and fear reigns.
Why designing that rail can feel hard
You may think some of the following…
Enforcing boundaries will be too difficult
Setting rules will make your child dislike you
It is time-consuming
Boundaries are restrictive and don’t allow enough freedom
I’m anti rules, they suck
I’m going to get it wrong
They’re more faff than they’re worth.
If you recognise any of these assumptions or others you may have, spend some time looking at the truth of them. Research suggests that children thrive with clear, considered, consistent boundaries set with love. Helping your child thrive is our role as parents and subsequently setting boundaries is part of that role.
A Guide
Think about your reasons
Rules are either a matter of safety for your child or those around them, and therefore essential, or a matter of teaching your child to grow and thrive into adulthood by learning how to respect others’ needs, develop empathy and articulate their own needs.
Decisions about what will help them to thrive will be influenced by your own personal ideas and values. It may be tricky to decide if you are setting a boundary because you feel it is the right thing for your child and your family or because you feel you should do so based on societal pressure, how you were brought up, or your own anxieties or fears. Do allow yourself time to think deeply about the reasons. If you are certain about your boundaries they will be easier to hold and be of more benefit to your child.
Communicate clearly
Tell or show your child what your expectations are for their behaviour. Ensure they have understood. You’re not asking them to like the boundary, you just need to ensure they understand.
Talk about it
How you have the conversation will be age and child dependent but the idea is to try and prevent problems and encourage problem-solving. Help them to consider what might make it hard for them to stick to the boundary. Discuss what they need from you to help stick to the rules and meet your expectations. Be firm but flexible rather than rigid.
Have realistic expectations
Consider your child’s age and what they are developmentally capable of as well as their personality. Review your expectations regularly. If a boundary is consistently over-stepped it may not yet be possible for your child.
Focus on the positives
It’s helpful to focus on what your child can do rather than what they can’t. For example ‘You cannot climb the bannisters, it’s not safe.’ could shift to ‘You can climb the bannisters when an adult is available to help you, because it’s not safe to do it on your own.’
Model it
Kids learn best from your actions. Check-in on your values and work on aligning those with your actions.
A Crossed boundary
Kids push against boundaries for all sorts of reasons and it’s a normal (if frustrating) thing for your child to cross them, but it doesn’t serve them or us if we just let the boundary slide. They learn nothing from the infringement and we set ourselves up to accept that pattern on repeat.
Holding boundaries is as much about respecting yourself and your values as it is about guiding your child and keeping them safe. Conventional wisdom and possibly how you were brought up might have you reaching for the punishment and consequences manual but pause a moment!
Discipline is about teaching and guiding. It’s about helping your child develop responsibility and empathy and learn how to problem solve so that they make better choices in the future. Discipline begins with considering what is going on for your child and connecting with them first, then exploring what they need to learn and how you can facilitate that learning.
Crossed boundaries can be infuriating and terrifying but in order to discipline you need to be in a place where you can respond calmly. Take some time to consider what helps you calm down and practice hitting that pause button to allow yourself time to do so. Remember too that you don’t have to discipline in the moment, it may work better if you wait until both you and your child are ready.
Respecting your child’s boundaries
Boundaries work both ways. We put boundaries in place in our role as a parent, but it’s important that your child is also able to put boundaries in place that we respect. In this way we model how a healthy relationship works. I’m not suggesting you allow your toddler to set the house rules, but be mindful of rules they have about their world and bodies, for example if they say no to tickling, don’t tickle, or if they say no to your company, give them space.
FInal words
You might be sighing and saying ‘If they just listened and did as they were told it would be easy.’ But this is the stuff of raising children - the full joy, reward, challenge and exasperation of parenting includes all of this - designing and building the guard rail, getting it tested, getting it stepped over, shifting the design as your child grows and their needs change, bringing them in as consultants to tweak the design and going again.
Helping you think your design, expectations and frustrations through is my speciality if you need a hand CLICK HERE to book a session.
