5 Questions for Parents to Gain Clarity
Sometimes parenting can feel like a big old jumble. We know that something isn’t working but we don’t know exactly what is going wrong. So here are 5 questions to help you gain a bit of clarity.
I suggest you take one at a time and mull it over. Talk to your partner or a friend, drill into it, jot down some notes in a journal. Approach these questions with an air of interest and curiosity. If there are things you notice that you’d like to change that’s great - start with the smallest manageable step. Today is the beginning of a new journey.
What do I love, admire and appreciate about my child?
When we pay attention to what is good about our child and share that with them, we build their self-esteem and courage and ultimately their ability to think well and contribute to a higher level. Noticing the good qualities helps to reframe negative labels we may have given our child, helping both us and them to think positively. Consciously noticing what is good in our children helps us to feel more confident in our parenting. If we notice this first, we can think more clearly about the steps we may need to take to address a particular behaviour.
What am I focussing on?
We can only control ourselves and our own behaviour. We can influence, guide and support our children but they will always have free will. It helps to know what we are focussing our energy on and then exploring whether our focus is on something that is within our power to control or not. Once we know this, we can work towards accepting the things we can’t control or change and we can take any necessary steps to change what we can control.
What do you want to accomplish as a parent?
This question is to help you understand the ultimate goals of your parenting. When we are faced with a stage of our child’s development that is challenging we often lose sight of what is truly important to us. We can zoom in on one particular aspect of our child’s behaviour and get very worked up and angry about not being able to change it. In doing so we may miss important opportunities to calmly guide our child in a way that nutures connection.
What might I be assuming that…?
If you wish to accomplish something, such as not over-reacting to a particular situation, we often find that what is causing that over-reaction is an untrue assumption. For example, you might assume your child will be penniless and homeless and you will be a failure if they don’t sit down and diligently do their reading or score highly on an upcoming test. In truth, there are many variables to this equation and it is simply not true that you are a failure if they don’t do their reading. Yet that kind of assumption drives us to over-react when they don’t read or study. Our over-reaction rarely gets us what we want to accomplish so it is useful to know the untrue assumptions you may have.
What is currently working well?
We cannot think clearly about a situation if we don’t also notice what is going well. Noticing what you are doing brilliantly (and there will be many things) reduces feeling overwhelmed by the challenges that you face as a parent. If this is hard for you to see, ask a close friend or your partner or even your child - their perspective is likely to be a pleasant surprise!
